- Condom Condor
Dear One Night Stand,
I am seriously sorry for the condom that was accidentally attached to my shoe as I departed last night. I did not mean for it to be dragged down the stairs and end up drowning in the middle of your living room floor. I am truly, utterly, seriously sorry! You are too kind to have let me back in to snag my wallet 2 days later.
- Pooter JonesDear significant other,
I’m seriously sorry for farting while we were laying in bed the other day, and then pulling the covers over your head so you could bask in the ambience of my biff. So seriously sorry…
Srsly sorry I told you I loved you when you said you loved me. Srsly though, deep down, I don’t. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I will keep saying it though, as long as you keep f%$#ing me.
Sorry that I only went to homecoming with you to make James jealous and evey time we danced I pretended I was with him. Also seriously sorry that when you left, James and I grinded the rest of the dance and fucked pretty much the rest or the night.
- Love, Dad
Srsly sorry for the life of privilege I have given you (private school, Louis, travel, new car, etc etc.) in a foolish attempt to give you the material things I never had as a child. The end result is you have turned into a mean-spirited narcissistic bitch. Sorry you hate your mom and me for all the shit we do for you. I’ll try my best to stop buying and doing things for you. Srsly sorry.
- A girl
I’m sorry that I don’t really care about you. I’m sorry that I’ll never hang out with you while I’m sober. I’m seriously sorry that a relationship involving emotions scares the shit out of me.
I’m really sorry that you’re incredibly socially awkward and not abnormally smart. I’m also really sorry that you’ve never even kissed a boy. I’m not sorry I beat you on the physics test. And I’m not sorry I have good grades AND an active social life. But please stop being mean to me. I’ll never show it, but your snide comments hurt.
Dear two year old daughter and nine month old son,
I’m srsly sorry that sometimes I just want fifteen minutes by myself to choke down my lunch or smoke a cigarette. I love you but I need time for me too. :)
Dear young parents in Alamo Square Park,
Srsly sorry that my dog starting humping your young toddler in the park. It was the leash free zone, and I wasn’t really paying attention. Your kid was playing with my dog, apparently my dog thought it was more than friendship. Hope your child isn’t scarred for life!
Sorry that you thought I was wacking off in bed when actually I just had a wet dream. No, I was not dreaming of you. Yes, it is your fault that I had a wet dream in the first place. You’ve been “too tired” for like three weeks. Srsly sorry.
- your son
I am gay. I never liked watching football with you, or throwing the ball around. Srsly sorry.
I’m sorry I got popular and stopped talking to you and made fun of your frizzy hair. In reality, I ended up hating my popular friends, becoming an artsy loner, and being a million times happier because of it. I was young and I was wrong, and I’m forever sorry. Ps, you grew into your beautiful, thick, strawberry-blonde hair :)
Srsly sorry that I suggested we go to the zoo together on a date, and then after we were so excited about how close we got to the elephants, the elephant totally farted on you. It was gag-worthy. Sorry babe.
Dear Purple Penis,
Srsly sorry I got wasted and paid 50 euros to that hooker on the street for a hand job. She really beat you up bad. No finesse what-so-ever.
- Jake L.
Srsly sorry that I used to use my dirty undershirts to masturbate into. I’m sure you picked up on what I was doing, because you did my laundry for me every week, and probably noticed a strange frequency to my crusty white tees. Thanks for never saying anything.