Dear ex-boyfriend,

I’m seriously sorry I lied about dropping your toothbrush in the toilet. That’s not what really happened. My gay best friend actually shoved it up his a**hole. Didn’t you notice the brown flecks of poop debris? I guess you shouldn’t have made all those homophobic jokes at his expense over the years, and you really shouldn’t have cheated on me. Oh, and you might want to buy a new toothbrush now. I noticed you still had the poopie one when I moved my stuff out. ┬áHave a nice life.

- your ex-girlfriend

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