Dear female college roommate,
This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold. Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.