Dear Son,

You are a toddler, which means you are cute most of the time, but every time you draw on my sh*t with crayons, or throw up on yourself, or pee your pants, I kind of want to imagine that you are not my son, and that you are a mean midget so that I can punch you in the face.  I never would, because I love you.  Srsly sorry.

- daddy

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