Dear Boyfriend,

You wanted me to tell you to come over to my place to find me wet and naked from my shower, and all hot and bothered, and all ready for you.  Sorry but, selfishly, you haven’t touched me in any way for weeks now, while you’ve gotten countless bj’s.  Sorry I told you that I was going to do it, didn’t, and you got blue balls. Srsly sorry, sweetums.

- Emily

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