Dear young parents in Alamo Square Park,
Srsly sorry that my dog starting humping your young toddler in the park. It was the leash free zone, and I wasn’t really paying attention. Your kid was playing with my dog, apparently my dog thought it was more than friendship. Hope your child isn’t scarred for life!
Srsly sorry that I suggested we go to the zoo together on a date, and then after we were so excited about how close we got to the elephants, the elephant totally farted on you. It was gag-worthy. Sorry babe.
- your boyfriend
You know how your puppy is afraid of men? Well, she’s not actually afraid of all men, she’s just afraid of me… I kinda sorta accidentally kicked her really hard in the face. I took her to the park and was playing around trying to kick a ball and I missed and literally got her square in the face with a full force leg kick. Ever since she has been deathly afraid of me.So, I am srsly sorry I punted your puppy in the face.
- Chris Tius
Dear Buddy, my first dog,
I was 6 years old, and I loved you lots. I loved you sooooo much I wanted to do everything with you, and I just wanted you to be happy. You were a little wiener dog, and you were probably the coolest wiener dog to have ever lived. Well, I am srsly sorry that I contributed to your chocolatey death. First off, I gave you a ton of it as treats, then I accidentally left the entire bag sitting on the back porch. You simply couldn’t resist gorging yourself on the delicious chocolate. My parents found you hours later, motionless in a pool of your own vomit… Sleep well my friend, sleep well.
- Dillinger (your Dog)
Sorry that every time I take a dump, my doggie-dick-lipstick comes shooting out only to embarrass you in public. It just feels so good…
- Justin K
This is long overdue. I stole your little brothers pet turtle when we were kids and let him loose in the woods behind the house. At the time I thought I was helping him by setting him free, but now I realize that he probably died within a few hours of being out in the wilderness. Anyways, sorry I let you take the blame, and you were grounded even though you rightfully denied doing anything. And sorry that your little bro’s turtle probably ended up as some creatures dinner that night.
- the Dog
Sorry if you think it’s weird that I sit and stare at you when you have sex. I’ve got nothing else to do, and I find it quite interesting.
- your friend
To my roommates new little puppy,
You are adorable all day long, but when you cry all through the night, shit in my room, and chew up my sandals, all I want to do is punch you so hard in your cute little puppy face. Oh I just wanna mush your face so hard… Sorry, but I just might.
Srsly sorry that I threw you in the air, in a spiral pattern. I was testing the law that says ‘cats always land on their feet.’ That may be true for some cats, but cleary not for you. Sorry bout the face-plant.
You’re going down. Srry.
- CJ and KL
Dear Kelly’s Dad,
Sorry we abducted your family dog and shaved our initials in him. In retrospect, we should have just shaved penises in him so we wouldn’t have been caught.
Srsly sorry I used to let your beloved Min Pin lick me….you know where. That’s why his nose always smelled like corn chips. I’m also srsly sorry I got some sick twisted pleasure when he’d give you guys kissies on the mouth after just being all up in my hoohoo.
Dear Rumples (the dog),
So, I let you keep your balls, and you went and sexed up some neighborhood bitches, and now you have a doggie STD. I didn’t even know they existed. Sorry that your meals will now be cut in half to pay for your doggie shots.
- bad driver
Dear dead crow,
I thought that, you being a bird and all, you would fly away when you saw my car barreling down the road. I guess not, maybe you were deaf… and had bad eye-sight. Srsly sorry that you’re dead.