Last time we were having sex, I pulled out and accidentally turned one of your teddy bears into a splooge catcher. Oops, my bad. Sorry that I crustified your little stuffed buddy.
Dear Gary, sleepover in 6th grade,
Sorry that I rallied the gang and peer pressured you into letting us shave shapes into your dog after we saw ‘Biodome’. I remember clearly that you were against it. Honestly, that was hilarious, but sorry that your parents grounded you the next day.
Dear Mom and the dog,
I’m srsly sorry that you both somehow teamed up to scar me forever. I saw that the dog was chewing on something other than its toy, so I went to pull whatever it was from the dog’s mouth. Welp, you guessed it, the dog had somehow got hold of one of your USED tampons, and that used tampon found its way into my hand… Scarred for life.
- James R
Sorry that when I was a kid, I hid my dead turtle under my bed when he died. He was my pal, and I wanted to keep him. You didn’t find him until the whole house smelled awful, and there was a permanent decaying flesh stain in the carpet. Srsly sorry.
- Delt house
Dear Kappa Sig house,
Srsly Sorry, but you started this prank war. Please enjoy the terribly awful smell consuming your entire frat house. Good luck finding the dead, decaying skunk that is stuffed up in one of your many a/c vents.
- Nutria aka R.O.U.S.
Dear Hurricane Katrina and the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers,
Srsly sorry that y’all are catching a lot of flak for the levees failing, but, let’s be honest, we didn’t exactly transport ourselves out of South America in order to be used as coats.
Mom and Dad,
I may have lied a little when I said I wasn’t sure what set off the smoke detector or why there was a half-burned stuffed animal hidden in the garage. He had to die. In retrospect I should maybe have tapered off the medication a little more slowly, but hey, I was thirteen.
- Chester the Dog
Listen, it’s not my fault that I sexed up some hot doggie tail, and she happened to give me fleas. It was well worth it. I am srsly sorry that I spread the fleas to you, but like I said, well worth it.
- Mouse Trapper
Dear Little Mouse,
You keep leaving little poo’s on my desk, and laughing in my face as you scurry around my bed at night. Well guess what I bought today, the extra sensitive M-201 Victor traps! Just try to resist that delicious lump of cheddar waiting out in the open, just for you. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha, srlsy sorry little guy, but your fate is sealed!
- bad dog
Dear Little White Dog Next Door,
Sorry that my Big Brown Dog got through the fence and took advantage of you. Srsly, that looked painful.
- jonathan pullen
Dear Hammy the Hampster,
You were my loyalist of friends until I went out of town with my parents for two weeks, and forgot to leave you food or water. Sorry that you died confused, searching for any scrap of food, and bathed in a glorious yellow light inside your plastic maze of tubes.
Sorry that sometimes when I have to fart, I seek you out and fart in your face or on your head…You know I love you.
Dear stray cat we didn’t take in,
Srsly sorry we didnt bring you into our house 3 Christmases ago. We only had room for one and your cute little friend was much nicer. Sorry all you could do was look through the window and give us all the “Death Stare” while we fed and pampered her. Srsly sorry that the next week you were dead on the road!! :(
- your owners
Dear Rocky the Dog,
Sorry we chopped your balls off. Srsly, that is sooooo uncool.