- Charley the Dog
Srsly sorry that I chewed too hard that one time, but really, I chase after you all day long, let’s stop the chase, and just be friends!
- Your DOG Charley
Dear Best Friend,
Sorry I chewed up your shoes, your scarf, your pillows, and, oh yeah, your computer power cord. They are irresistible. Srsly, sorry, can we play now?
- the dog food boy
F*&% You! Your deliciousness is no substitute for the fact that I woke up with my underwear in my back pocket, and with my face in my dog’s food bowl. Srsly sorry that I ever drank you.
- nathan k
Dear Torty the Turtle,
You were the class pet in fourth grade. I’m really sorry that I took you out of the cage and poured a bunch of salt on you behind the portable. It was a dare and all the “cool kids” were watching me. I guess it didn’t make me that cool when I ran off crying. To this day I regret what I did to you. I’m sorry that we left you out there, and you dried up and died. Srsly, Torty, I miss you. At least I didn’t turn into a serial killer like that other kid in class.
- the sexy turkey
Sorry that I told you I wanted you to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey at our thanksgiving mixer last year. I didn’t know that girl behind you was your girlfriend.
- your owner
I’m sorry I pissed on your head, you really shouldn’t have ran directly into the stream. None the less, sorry you got a golden shower.
You killed a stray cat because it had fleas and was eating your cat’s food. Your girlfriend defended you, saying it was the right thing to do to a “disgusting cat.” I’m SERIOUSLY sorry I even know who you are. I’m not sorry for writing you off as a human being.
Sorry for any broken windows, pelted stucco, dented cars, and injured children. Summer was boring, and we used to launch golf balls from my pal’s front lawn out over you. I found a 3-wood was the best club for this. In retrospect, that was dangerous and dumb, but really fun at the time. Sorry if we killed any of your pets by accident.
Dear Steve Irwin,
Oops, I didn’t see you there, sorry! No wait, don’t pull the barb out! Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, put some pressure on it. Aw man, I loved your show, really sorry about this. If it’s any consolation, my ass hurts like a bitch.
My friend had already launched one of your kind way up in the air, only to fall to a certain death, so I tried to save you from him. There was no way to know that as I chased him he would turn around and throw you at me, causing you to bounce off my chest, onto the street, and directly under my foot. Mr. Frog, I’m sorry that I inadvertently squashed you instead of saving your life. I punched my friend in the arm a lot. That was a long time ago. Middle school boys can be a**holes.
Dear Alcoholic Ex-Girlfriend,
Rotten Trout may not have been the most flattering description of your crotch that evening. I’m sorry your friends were there to hear it. Seriously.
- Jim K
Dear Ruffles the dog,
I farted…silently. I blamed you. I always do, and you get put outside in the cold. Sorry buddy.
Sorry I took a dump in your bed. It was payback, and you deserved it.
- not into horse porn
I’m sorry that I continuously tell everyone about our terrible [unintentionally hysterical] first date. Who admits to liking horse porn on a date? I hear you’re married now… I hope your wife is human.
Dear dead mouse under my desk where I rest my feet that I did not see,
I’m sorry for rolling your body around for about 2 hours before finding you. Your smooth soft body made me mistake you for a sock, but it was obvious that you were not a sock when I stuck my toe in your dead mouth.