Brandon,

Don’t be pissed at me because your dog cannot hold his liquor!  All I gave him was four whiskey soaked slices of bread, and he proceeds to puke all over your room.  Really, really weak stuff man.  Sorry your dog is a lightweight.  He’s three years old!  That’s 21 in dog years.

- Jay

Kevin,

I’m sorry I said your anus was like the Bat Cave last halloween.  But seriously, you are gay and you were dressed like a flamboyant Batman.  The only thing that could have made the situation any gayer, is if you or your dog were dressed as Robin.

- Jeffrey

Laura,

I’m not sorry about having sex with you in the bay at midnight– that was awesome. However, I am sorry that box jellyfish got wedged between my boner and your vag. If it makes you feel any better, my unit now looks like an overcooked hot dog.

- Swollen Member

Pickles,

I left you locked in my apartment all day yesterday.  18 straight hours.  Sorry that you are a dog.  Sorry you don’t have opposable thumbs.

- Love, Carson

Dude,

I woke up spooning your dog, on your back porch….  Sorry to your dog?

- Jarron

Dear random runner on 6th street,

My dog took a dump, I didn’t have a bag and I didn’t know what to do.  You ran by, tragedy struck.  I bolted from the scene.  I’m an a-hole.

- an a-hole

Melissa,

I am sorry that I called you a manatee/ sea cow in seventh grade.  You already knew that you were overweight and surely did not need me comparing your relative girth to that of a huge, water-dwelling mammal.  It was fucked up.  Middle school is hard enough without me ruining your life. Hope your self-esteem has recovered.

- Jerry P