Dear Melissa,

You said you didn’t mean to steal my guy in the first place, that you two just happened to fall for each other, even though he was clearly my BF.  Well, seriously sorry that we’re in highschool, and you got preggers, but it’s kinda like karma.  Baby karma.  Say goodbye to your youth and fun times all together.

- Jenny P.

Dear boyfriend,
Sorry that after two years you’re turning into such a douche. Seriously, I don’t need you cussing at me and blaming everything on me that is 100% YOUR FAULT. Also, you’re a momma’s boy. My mom warned me to never date a moma’s boy. She also told me to never date a guy that hits…guess I just didn’t listen too well and trusted you too much. You’re almost 21, you live with your mom, and you constantly complain about it. Get off your dumb ass and do something about it. You have everything available to you, but you waste all of it. I’ll be packing up all your stuff you have at my house, and the gifts you’ve given to me. Next time you come over, you’ll see it sitting out on the curb. I’m done with you. Bye bye, asshole! Enjoy living with your mom until she also finally can’t take it anymore and kicks your ass out!


Dear Girlfriend,

Sorry that I got really drunk and left you at the club on accident. Also sorry that my phone died, and you didn’t have any cash for a cab. Thanks for not going home with some other guy!

- Jason

Dear will,
I’m sorry that I didn’t have the balls to break up with you and cheated on you instead… But you were a very creepy bf. Everything changed when I found you hididng in the bathroom while I was using it. Not cool. So I’m sorry that you’re a creeper in every sense of the word. Stop hiding in bathrooms.

- Creeped out ex gf

Dear ex-bf,
Sorry you were so upset after we broke up that it felt like your soul was on fire… that must have really hurt.  But srsly, you shouldn’t have told me… because I told everyone.  Sorry, but I couldn’t help myself.

- the bitch

Dear Girlfriend,

Sorry that when you asked if your outfit made you look fat, I said the outfit had nothing to do with it. Srsly, I like a big girl anyways.

- Andrew L

Dear Boyfriend,

Sorry that, on the night we got together, in the process of drunkenly trying to sleep with you I sort of crushed your nuts. It takes a considerably manly man to continue getting naked with a chick after that. If I could remember what the flip happened after that, or indeed that it happened, I’d be even sorrier than I am now. Thanks for making it past the six month mark, actually.

- your girlfriend

Dear Jenna,

Calling yourself “morally-relaxed” is an understatement. More like “vaginally-loose.”  Srsly sorry I ever dated you.

- Jeff L

Dear S,

So sorry I gave your name, address, and phone number to every trade school recruiter I could find. Also, sorry I gave your info to the church of scientology. I hear they can be very persistent. Hopefully you didn’t fall for the whole “stress test” trick. I needed a way to channel my anger towards you after I found that naked picture you sent my bf. I hope you understand. Next time I’ll forward that picture to your father. Until then, SRSLY sorry.

- anonymous

Dear BF Brad,

Sorry I broke your mini-fridge when you told me I was getting fat.  But srsly, you’re pudgy too!  Guess you better find a new place to hoard your hot-pockets.  You should prob start looking for a new GF too.

- susan

Dear Gary,

Sorry you have never had an adventure in your entire life, and the thought of life with me, outside the lame little square of your right-wing, pompous family and boring tv-obsessed friends was too scary for you.

- Lara

Dear Ex-Bf,

Sorry that I preferred masturbating to pics of you rather than actually having sex with you…. Srsly,  stop crying after sex.

- The girl that put up with the sh*t no one else would have.

Dear Lara,

Sorry for pulling on your hair every time were close in bed and cuddling, and constantly breaking the sweet tenderness of the mood. But that’s what you get for pinning me down and popping my pimples (thou I enjoy the attention).

- Drew

Dear lovely boyf,

I’m sorry I pretend that you are amazing between the sheets, when I actually don’t feel a thing – at least, not until I get numb legs from you bouncing about all over the place…

- Not Really Innocent

To my boyfriend,

I’m sorry I’ve seriously been considering breaking up with you.  But srsly…I’m tired of being a virgin. Tired of waiting for marriage. And even though we don’t have sex…YOU STILL DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? Really. All I want is a nice cuddle at night. No hanky panky. Sorry you don’t have any balls and are still worried about what your mother would think. YOU’RE TWENTY DAMN YEARS OLD! GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!

- Unsatisfied, Soon-to-be-Single Girl