Dear Fellow Drivers,
Srsly sorry, but the road was NOT made just for you. Every day you cut me off, pull in front of me and slam on your brakes, cut in turn lane lines (like your time is more valuable than anyone else’s), and are generally unpleasant to be around with your mean faces and your bird flying. Get over yourself. If you’re in that big of a hurry, leave the house earlier!!!!
Thanks for letting me borrow your car when you went on your trip to Spain. I am really sorry that I got really drunk, and really high, and still decided to drive myself home, in YOUR car. I hopped the curb doing 35, but it was late, no cops were around, and I just drove it to your driveway and parked. You got back, I never mentioned it. Sorry.
Dear owner of a black subaru in colorado springs,
Sorry about the major dents and scratches in your car door last weekend. I was a little drunk, and a little confused, when I thought that your black subaru was my black subaru. When my key didn’t work I started ramming the door and trying to force the key. Yeah, I’m a drunk asshole, my car was one block further down the road. While I’m here, sorry about the drunk driving.
- the pooper
Dear Driver’s Seat of my car,
I reaaaaallllly had to take a dump on that trip home to Dallas, and I was late, and there were no gas stations appearing anywhere. Srsly sorry that I literally pooped my pants, and my seat, instead of pulling over and pooping in the bushes or something. In retrospect, it made no sense at all.
The first time I ever had sex was in the back-seat of your car at 16 years old. Srsly sorry, but thanks for trusting me with the keys!
Srsly sorry about that time I left those deviled eggs in your backseat after the Thanksgiving party. Then the eggs apparently got stuck under the seat, and your car now has a forever scent of deviled ass. Srsly Sorry about that.
- bad driver
Dear dead crow,
I thought that, you being a bird and all, you would fly away when you saw my car barreling down the road. I guess not, maybe you were deaf… and had bad eye-sight. Srsly sorry that you’re dead.
- Retaliation is Salty
Dear D*ckhead from the mall,
I watched you pull into the space next to mine, scrape the crap out of my car, and then pull out and park in another spot. Not cool man. Well, srsly sorry but, I waited til you got out of your car and left, then stuffed the rest of my McDonalds french fries into your gas tank. How’s the car driving?
When I get chosen by the Elite Squadron of Time Travel and they send me back in time to live my life again, there is a number of things I will be doing. Among them is going to be taking for myself that bank bag full of money you found in the middle of the street outside our house. I simply need the money more than you and lets be honest, besides the new car most of it was spent on drugs…
Bragging about how amazing you are at drunk driving is no way to get into my pants. Yup, I will not be going on a second date with you, not that sorry.
- 1986 Toyota
Dear Beautiful Shiny Mercedes Benz,
I backed up way too fast from that driveway and totally wrecked your bumper. I thought you were just a pile of snow I backed up into, and instead of moving forward I tried to push you back even more, then I noticed your beautiful self…um yeah bad mistake. Sorry for fleeing and not leaving a note, and sorry for making an accomplice out of the neighbor who saw me and never mentioned anything to your owner. And Srsly sorry your car is f**ked up…