- Your Ghetto Pants
Dear ghetto people,
I’m seriously sorry that when you run from the cops I get caught up around your ankles, forcing you to run and hold me up at the same time, or worse falling down and getting caught. Give me a break. I can’t help it if I slow you down, cost too much, and look like a guy’s version of capri pants. Hey at least you look cool wearing me right?
Dear American Apparel,
Your ads give me boners, but boners don’t cause me to buy overpriced, plain, boring clothing. Srsly sorry.
Dear White Undershirts,
Sorry that you only last a few weeks in my closet, before I throw you out because the pit stains are too bad. I happen to have some sweaty ass pits, I mean, it’s clinical. Bet you wish you got bought by some pretty girl, not a sweaty hairy dude like me. Srsly sorry.
You increase my height, my sex appeal (way!) and cost slightly too much. Seriously sorry I don’t wear you more often, but you do continuously rape my feet with unbearable ferocity. Sorry.
- Ed Hardy
Srsly sorry for the clothing I make. BUT, ladies, you should be thanking me for making it so easy to spot the douche-bags.
- you now ex-best friend
Dear Best Friend from lower school,
Srsly sorry, but the first time you invited me to your house, I had an upset stomach, and when I went to use your toilet, you didnt have any toilet roll. So.. I kinda rummaged through your laundry basket and used a sock to wipe. That’s kinda sorta the reason I bailed out of your house so early. Srsly sorry.
Apparently, I hurt your feelings the other night when I said you were wearing your “douche-bag uniform.” Srsly sorry, I didn’t think guys who only wear Ed Hardy and Affliction tees were so sensitive.
- horny girl
Sorry that I let you slip so easily. It’s just more fun that way. Sorry that I have an unfair double-standard to deal with, but why should guys get to have all the fun?
Dear Roommates Friend,
I stole your “Street-Sharks” watch after making fun of you for it. Street Sharks were f*#%ing cool.
Seriously sorry for already losing one of the gloves you got me for Christmas. Believe me, no one is more sorry than I am, as I already lost one of the last pair and my right hand is tired of being so frightfully cold.
I’m really sorry for what happened during sex last night. You were so enthusiastic that it slipped, and it was dark so next thing you know I was accidentally in the wrong hole. I promise I’ll take you to that Louis Vuitton store once you can walk right…
I never meant to finish in your eyes when you were giving me that HJ. I can see now that laughing probably wasn’t the appropriate response, but c’mon, what a ridiculous shot! You stole my sweater when you left, call it even? Sorry.
- miss 'forgot her tampax'
Thanks for letting me borrow your designer jeans. Sorry that nature came calling that night, and I got ‘you know what’ all over your favorite jeans. I still owe you a pair of jeans, sorry about that.
Dear St. Ed’s boys,
The only trendy boy at this school is the unicycle kid. That kid rocks. Sorry to burst your bubble skateboard boy.