You usually don’t get home until late on Wednesdays, which gives me ample time to box my sock puppet. Anyways, I totally forgot your Mom was in town, and I totally forgot you had off of work. Seriously sorry that you AND YOUR MOM walked in on me masturbating. Dinner that night was so awkward.
Dear kid from my dorm,
I’m sorry for laughing in your face when you passed me on your razor scooter, but seriously, who decided it was cool to start scooting again?
Dear Mom and Dad,
I charged four kegs to the emergency credit card. Sorry about that, but it was definitely an emergency.
Dear hot bartender at Crickets,
Last night, when my friend asked how big a tip he needed to give you to see your boobs, you could have made a lot of money, and you could have made an awesome story for a couple of drunk college kids. Instead you had us kicked out. Sorry you’re a prude.
- the sexy turkey
Sorry that I told you I wanted you to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey at our thanksgiving mixer last year. I didn’t know that girl behind you was your girlfriend.
Sorry I forgot to close my blinds, and everyone at the party got a free peep show. Awesome for me, embarrassing for you. Srsly sorry.
Sorry for leaving you up on the roof of the frat house after we hooked up. Srsly, one of the best hookups I’ve ever had, but I have strict rules, and those rules say get out of there asap. Anyways, sorry I bolted and left you sleeping on the roof with no way to get down.
- college girl
I’m sorry you’re still in high school. I’m sorry he left to college. I’m seriously sorry he cheated on you. I’m not sorry it was with me. Let’s be honest, did you really think he was going to stay faithful? If you did, SRSLY sorry.
- Jeff N
Sorry about me and Tim getting a hummer from your GF the other night, but she brought it up, and we couldn’t help ourselves. I know you’ll forgive us, we’re bros, but you oughta dump that skank-0-potamus.
- a drunk
Sorry for ever not trusting you. You are awesome.
- phi delt dude
Dear Tri-Delta girls,
Sorry about the mystery martini’s last night. Turns out every liquor in the fridge mixed with Hi-C and some olive juice was a bad call. I think I saw at least 7 of you puking out back. Srsly sorry.
Dear College Roomate Gemma,
Remember that time I told you I tried it in the butt once? And remember that one morning you said that you couldn’t find your vibrator and I told you that you may have left it at your moms when you went there over the weekend? Yeah… About that, I kinda used it, for my… um other hole. It’s okay though cuz I put a condom on it.
Hey Scott, dude. Remember when you found that sh*t in your bed the day after the footy game? Sorry dude, but that was me. I got really wasted and fell asleep on your bed, the toilet was too far away so I took a dump on your bed and walked over to my bed and fell asleep again. I heard you come in a few minutes later, yelling and “woke me up” to see if I knew anything, but let it go after I told you I had been asleep for hours. Srsly sorry, dude.
It was week two of college, we were drunk at a party out in the country, and I thought you were hot. Soon enough we were out back, stripping down behind a tree. The tree wasn’t enough cover so we went behind a shed. The combination of alcohol, college, nipple rings (nice touch btw), the outdoors, and HJ’s got us too excited to realize what that little itch was. Anyways, sorry about the next day when you no doubt thought I gave you some crazy STD. I thought the same about you until I realized it was poison ivy… poison ivy everywhere. Great story, but I’m sorry about that terribly located itch.
- a silly undergrad girl
I know you are in law school, and you are super cool with your ray-ban prescription glasses, tailored shirts, and boat shoes, and I could never understand why you can’t date me seriously because I am just a silly undergrad girl…but, there is one thing I do understand, all your supposed “coolness” can’t cover up for your pencil d*ck. sorry.