Dear Melissa,

The last thing I wanted to do was take a dump at your house.  Seriously.  So you can imagine how desperate I was when I got hit with the urge that night we were watching a movie. It was only the third time I’d even been over.  Now try to imagine my fear when the damn toilet stopped up.  Seriously sorry that you don’t keep a plunger in your bathroom, and seriously sorry that I freaking bailed.  You’ll never see me again.

- anonymous

Dear Music Teacher,

Sorry for photoshopping your head onto Ron Jeremy’s body and photoshopping an “abyss” onto Ron Jeremy’s (your) d*ck. I really can’t figure out what it accomplished, but I think it was really funny at the time. You were kind of an a**hole, and you probably shouldn’t have let your students set up a dating profile for you online.

- your student

Dear Devin,

I’m sorry that I continuously tell everyone about our terrible [unintentionally hysterical] first date. Who admits to liking horse porn on a date? I hear you’re married now… I hope your wife is human.

- not into horse porn

ex-girl  (whichever one will read this first),
I’m sorry that the entire time we could be considered dating there was another girl back “home.”  I’m sorry that she constantly sent me titty pictures, sexy voice mails, saucy texts, and strange packages.  I’m sorry when you two found out about each other that I was drunk enough to believe I could convince you the other was my cousin.  Shits kinda beat up, my bad.

- orangebear

Jeanne,  September of last year on our date,

Sorry, we were enjoying some pizza, and I thought you had gotten some on your face.  I told you about it, so you wiped your cheek, but it was still there.  I told you to wipe again, and again, and one more time before I tried to wipe it off for you.  It turns out that pizza was actually your acne.  I wiped your cheek too hard, and the acne started oozing.  I know you saw the look on my face.  Gross… and embarrassing, for you that is.

- John K

Gabe,

While we were on our date, you told me you were a designer so I looked up your stuff –wow,  your portfolio f*&%ing sucks.  Believe me, it would have never worked out between us. Thanks for dinner and all the drinks and for introducing me to your hot friend.  Sorry for not telling you to your face how desperately you need to change careers. Srsly.

- Katherine

Jaqueline,

Your nipples are too big for my taste.  I’m sorry I wasted money on three dates…

- Jason

Alex Ryley,

I’m pregnant.

- Jenny

Dave,

Thanks for the expensive dinner last night.  Unfortunately, expensive dinners only buy BJ’s for attractive guys.  Srry :(

- Mary Anne