Dear Drugs,

Srsly sorry that the governments of the world think they are strong enough to contain you. Fact of the matter is, I like you, and I like doing you, and I’m not gonna stop.  Actually, I think most people feel the same way.  We really ought to legalize you, all of you, and then put a fraction of what we would have spent on fighting you, into rehab and educational services…. but that will never happen.  Srsly sorry that you are so oppressed, when in reality you could do a lot of good for people.

- A User

Dear wanna be drug dealer,
Remember the party in high school where the cops came and you stashed your shitty weed you were selling in my hallway closet? You couldn’t find all the bags cause your stoned ass THREW the bags separately and some got stuck inside the door hinge.  I only found them cause my whole hallway smelled like weed, BAD.  I said I flushed the 2 bags I found cause I was pissed, but srsly sorry cause I just ended up smoking it with my friends…oh and you.  You didn’t even know it was yours dumbass.

- free weed tastes better

Dear Wisdom Teeth,

Sorry you had to go, but thanks for hooking me up with vicodin and loratabs when you left!

- anonymous

Dear  Over-the-counter drug users,

Srsly sorry, but, on the commercial we did say that one of the side-effects was anal bleeding.  You thought we were kidding?

- Pharmaceuticals

Dear Veronica,

Sorry I tricked you and let you snort powdered sugar when you thought it was coke. Who woulda guessed that would hurt so bad?

- your bf

Dear Scott,

By all accounts, from you and your girlfriend, I apparently came into your room in the middle of night, woke you up and asked you why you would let the “rainbow rabbits jump over my dance floor.” Then I called you lame for not coming to my dance party.  Srsly sorry bro, that’s the last time I take ambien.

- Murf

Dear Mom and Dad,

Srsly sorry that I used to get high on the roof before you got home. Bet you didn’t know that the first time I got high was because I found your secret stash.

- Chris

Dear Guardian Angel,

I’m not so sure you exist, but if you do, srsly sorry for taking you for granted and doing dangerous stupid sh*t all the time. I mean drunken bungee jumping? Drugs every night? Oh and I almost forgot that time I tried to race the police officer while I was high on pcp. It’s a human thing you wouldn’t understand. Sorry for making you work so hard though.

- Mathew

Dear Kevin, 10th grade,

That first time that you thought you got “so high,” we were totally messing with you. It was oregano, and you acted like you were messed up. Sorry we tricked you into being fake high, but it was hilarious.

- your friends

Dear Doctor Mierez,

Last year you invited me and my gf over for a oxy-codone party, and things got a little crazy. You passed out early on, and then your wife loosened up…. a lot.  Sorry that me, my girlfriend, and your wife had a threesome while you were passed out in the other room.  Srsly though, she put you to sleep, and when she walked back out, she was naked. Resistance was futile.

- Paul H

Sorry, brain, for another wake ‘n’ bake.

- anonymouse

Dear Dad,

When I get chosen by the Elite Squadron of Time Travel and they send me back in time to live my life again, there is a number of things I will be doing.  Among them is going to be taking for myself that bank bag full of money you found in the middle of the street outside our house. I simply need the money more than you and lets be honest, besides the new car most of it was spent on drugs…

- JN

Dear Dad, again,

I’ll also be taking most of those drugs you bought throughout the years, stealing a lot more stuff than the normal 9 year old, and I’m going to show your nasty porn stash to your then girlfriend. You shouldn’t have spent the money I got from my grandfather on beer, milk and chips. Life’s a bitch and so is your daughter.

- JN

Dear Fellow Traveler from Australia,

We were sharing a hostel in Amsterdam last year. You were asleep, I was wasted, and I needed more money for some continued international debauchery. I never thought of myself as a stealing man, but that night I stole 50 Euros from your locker.  Not sure if this makes you feel better or worse, but I went straight to the red-light district and spent that 50 on hookers and weed.  Sorry, but at least it went to a good cause.

- anonymous

Dear Civilized World,

I’m sorry I contaminated your minds with sexist, perverted theories which you have spent the last half century actually believing. Bet you didn’t know I was high the whole time.  Cocaine is one hell of a drug.  Srsly, I’m a coke bandit… look it up.

- Sigmund Freud