- J ;)
Srsly sorry that I sorta stole your virginity last Cinco de Mayo. Your parents were out of town so you threw a party (naturally), and we had a lot of tequila and snuck upstairs to your room. You were like super drunk, but so was I so I figured it was cool. I basically took the reigns and went for it ;) . Srsly sorry about how awkward it was the next day when you told me I took your virginity. I feel sorta bad about that.
- unwilling host
Dear Strawberry Vodka Shot,
You had some chunks of fruit inside of you, and it made me nervous. Also, you had a strong smell, but I agreed to do you anyway while holding my nose. As you swashed down my throat, I gagged a little but wanted to admit it to neither you nor myself. Soon thereafter the forced digestive invasion, though, you were regurgitated all over my friend’s shirt and shoes. I’m srsly sorry that you taste so nasty and that probably no one loves you, even your parents.
Sorry I peed on you when you spent the night. I usually just pee in my closet when I’m wasted. I really can’t imagine what I was thinking, or what you were thinking when you woke up to a stream of piss on you back, and your boyfriend standing over you in a drunken slumber.
Dear Ihop Waitress,
Sorry that I was passed out drunk on the table by the time you brought out my pancakes. Surely you hate that job as it is, and dealing with drunk ass kids at 3 in the morning who call you Mrs. Pancakes, then pass out and don’t pay doesn’t help.
Dear owner of a black subaru in colorado springs,
Sorry about the major dents and scratches in your car door last weekend. I was a little drunk, and a little confused, when I thought that your black subaru was my black subaru. When my key didn’t work I started ramming the door and trying to force the key. Yeah, I’m a drunk asshole, my car was one block further down the road. While I’m here, sorry about the drunk driving.
Dear Family Reunion,
Srsly sorry that you have to deal with me, the drunk guy. Yes, I plan to get wasted again at the reunion, like, super-wasted. Why? Because you all bore the sh*t out of me. Sorry.
- the drunk girl driving home
Dear Police Man,
Thanks for not arresting me the other night. Truth is, I really was pretty darn drunk, but a mouthful of trident and some eyedrops fooled you somehow. I don’t want to be self-demeaning, but I’m not even that attractive, as far as hot girls go, so I don’t know how I got off the hook so easily. It won’t happen again (eh…maybe). Srsly sorry.
- gramma's girl
Sorry I drank half your bottle of vodka when nobody was home…. It’s been a rough week.
- anonymous husband
Srsly sorry that I tell you I make 40k a year when I actually make 45k and store the extra 5 in a separate account. I gotta have my reserves for my after work whiskeys with the boys! When I tell you I only had one whiskey, I actually mean 4 or 5 whiskeys. I’m just good at faking sober around you. Love ya babe!
Srsly sorry I vomited all over you and the policeman at that high school party. But I was super super sh/tfaced. And the fact that you called the cops on me upset my tummy at the time. Srsly sorry you sucked as parents.
Sorry about that little pregnancy scare. I guess I was just too drunk to remember the condom. My bad.
- brother klein
Sorry I fell and took out the stilts of the platform holding our ‘six-shooter ice luge.’ Sorry that it tumbled and shattered. I guess that’s what happens when you take a shot of different colored liquor off every run of the luge. Damn pledges should have built a sturdier platform. Srsly Sorry.
Dear Random Girl that Seduced Me,
I was way drunk, and so we started to hook up. About half way through I realized the error of my ways, said I had to use the bathroom, and bailed! Srsly sorry, but when the drunkness wore off, the beer goggles did too, and hooking up with a girl like you requires some thick beer goggles!
- Christopher Peem
When I was 14, I had no idea what “good” liquor was. I just wanted to get drunk with my friends, and that’s exactly what we did. We got whiskey drunk, the best kind! But, I am sorry that I accidentally stole your $500 bottle of Ardmore 30, especially since there was a bottle of Jack Daniels right next to it, my bad.