Dear Party Bus (Ryan’s bachelor party, 2007),
Srsly sorry for getting woman sex juices all over the back row, and then splooging all over the seat and handle. I met the girl spur of the moment, and we had nowhere else to go but the party bus. You might want to blame the driver for abandoning his post, and leaving the doors open. And sorry to Chase who unknowingly passed out in the splooge seat when we all got back on to drive home!
Dear Guardian Angel,
I’m not so sure you exist, but if you do, srsly sorry for taking you for granted and doing dangerous stupid sh*t all the time. I mean drunken bungee jumping? Drugs every night? Oh and I almost forgot that time I tried to race the police officer while I was high on pcp. It’s a human thing you wouldn’t understand. Sorry for making you work so hard though.
Srsly sorry that when I came into work the other morning feeling really “sick,” I should have said really hungover. Actually, I was still drunk.
So…you really were not that drunk, but you tried to hook-up with my cousin. Apparently you had the most massive case of whiskey-dick known to man. The whole house knew. We all teased you mercilessly. And you still thought you’d get another shot. Not so much. It probably sucked that a houseful of 20-somethings knew that you couldn’t perform…srsly sorry for…never mind. You really shouldn’t have had the issue.
Thanks for wanting to hookup with me. Sorry that I was so drunk I tripped trying to get my pants off, fell straight on my face, and gave myself a bloody nose. Blood really kills the mood. Waking up with two black eyes was awesome too.
You’re out of town until Monday, it is 11 am, and I just poured my third mimosa. Here comes a productive Wednesday!
- Kevin T
Dear Hot Girl at Sherlocks bar,
Sorry that you overheard me call your friend a “fatty.” In my defense, she is. I still wish you would’ve given me your number.
Seriously sorry I drank so much last night, I’ve been suffering the consequences of that reckless binge drinking the whole day. The headache and the eternal feeling like I’m going to throw up any second have made my day awesome.
- the dumb kid who fell in the fire
It was bad a idea to balance on the stones around the fire pit, especially 7 Keystones in. Sorry forearm and lower back skin, you’ve been replaced with burns and pus.
- your son
Sorry for drunk making-out with your best friend at the Thanksgiving party, and sorry you had to see it. Your friends are cougars.
- the dog food boy
F*&% You! Your deliciousness is no substitute for the fact that I woke up with my underwear in my back pocket, and with my face in my dog’s food bowl. Srsly sorry that I ever drank you.
Bragging about how amazing you are at drunk driving is no way to get into my pants. Yup, I will not be going on a second date with you, not that sorry.
- John D.
Srsly Sorry about last weekend. I never should have put you in that “hairy” situation. I swear I will never hook up with a pudgy, liberal hipster ever again! Damn you Jack Daniels! Damn you!
- the sand man
Dear Girl from Spring Break who’s name I can’t remember,
Sorry about getting sand in your vagina when we hooked up on the beach. You said it hurt, but the water was just way too cold to get into. Anyways, way to stick it out. You were a champ.