To Ginny, the random girl I messed around with in the Dominican Republic,
Sorry I bailed before getting you off, right after you finished giving me an HJ in the ocean surf. That was pretty cool. Honestly though, I wasn’t going anywhere near your snap-dragon after you told me I could do you “raw-dog” because I didn’t have a condom. How many other guys have you said that to?
My dear drinking problem,
After years and years of nurturing you with precise care and expert attention, I hope you know that it wasn’t easy for me to leave you behind. I loved you. I really did. I actually have to eat solid food at lunch now. Damn wife and kids just don’t understand what we had, and they said this intervention was the last one they would do. I will always carry you in my heart… and liver… and pancreas… and central nervous system. Sorry, goodbye.
To my expensive crystal wine glass,
I’m sorry I’ve disgraced you by filling you with box wine. It’s affordably delicious.
Dear Cristi, Kelly, Lauren, Heather 1, Heather 2, Heather 3, Dava, Stephanie, Monica, Amanda, Mandi, Tara, & Stacey -
Sorry I kept it under wraps and now y’all have herpes. When I drink I just can’t resist. I’ll do my best to control it in the future …. for others.
Dear Hot Brunette Girl at Key Bar,
So, hey, how are you? Last night was crazy fun. Yah, so, I’m really sorry but I sorta stole your i-phone. I thought I could re-program it or sell it, but that’s not the case. So, I thought maybe we could get together some time and I could give your phone back. Do you like Justine’s? It’s really good French food, you mentioned French food in some of your texts. It seems like we have a lot in common. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I think we would have a really fun time, oh, and you’ll get your phone back, which I’m really sorry about. ;)
Corona Cruise Kid,
After I found you passed out in the hall and helped you get back to your room, I took a dump and threw it in your bunk bed, but seriously you deserved it, not that sorry. I knew you were making fun of me the entire cruise.
- the Giant Ladybug
Dear residents of small house in the country outside of Lewisville – Halloween 2005,
If you happened to look outside around 2 am, I am sorry for what you saw. A giant ladybug having drunk sex with a sexy Gumby on your front lawn is no site for honest church going folks that I imagine you are. Happy Halloween. Srsly sorry.
Sorry I filled your beer bong with KD whiskey and four loco without you knowing it. I’ve never seen anyone projectile vomit that far, you ought to be proud.
- Your Friends
Not sure why you went for that back flip when you were totally wasted the other night. Seriously, hammered drunk. I’m also not sure why we urged you on so hardcore. But, what I mostly don’t get is why no one recommended you do it in the grass, not on the sidewalk. We were drunk, sorry about your face. 13 stitches isn’t so bad.
- James B
Sorry for whatever I said when I was blacked out last night. You seem pissed.
- Jennifer S
I woke up with two slices of pepperoni pizza in my purse. Im really sorry that I messed up my purse, but I will never apologize for college.
I drove home hammered drunk last night. Again. Sorry.
Random drunk guy at high school party,
I shouldn’t have told you it was a good idea to jump from the second floor onto the love-seat at the Nichol’s house. I hope the couch costs less than your medical bills. Srsly Sorry.
- Cody R
Dear random European bar owner and random hot chick in said bar, eurotrip 2009,
I am seriously sorry that I decided to puke fat chunks into your urinal at 2am. That must have been difficult to clean out. Also, to random blonde chick, I am sorry that I returned to making out with you directly afterwards.
Remember that night we hooked up sophomore year? Remember waking up in the morning in a wet yellow puddle on my bed, and me blaming it on you? You ran out crying, super embarrassed, and I haven’t seen you since. Well, what really happened was that I pissed the bed, and I woke up before you, switched positions with you, then blamed it all on you. Sorry, but I got a kick out of that.