Dear family,
Sorry but yes, that monster in the loo is mine. Sorry especially to my older brother for pinning it on you, but seriously, no one would believe a girl is capable of something so massive. Also sorry to my butt, you’re such a trooper for getting through that!

- I blame the anemia...

Kristy,

We were fooling around in high school at Kyle’s party in a room in the basement, and we were getting hot and heavy.  I was still pretty new at all that stuff, and you were obviously a bit more experienced than me.  You started taking off your clothes and were pretty much naked when you whispered real sexy in my ear something along the lines of “come here and f*&^ me.”  Well, seriously sorry that I said NO, and maybe made you feel like you weren’t good enough or something.  The truth is, I was secretly super embarrassed because I had already cum in my pants.  I said sorry, and then slipped out of the party and walked home, pants full of jizz, and a heart full of disappointment.

- older now, and better too

Dear Ainsley,

I seriously was digging on you the moment I met you a week and a half ago, and I was super pumped when you invited me and my buddies to your Cinco de Mayo party.  I sought you out at the party, and we were chatting and drinking beers. It was going really well from my POV. The conversation was naturally flowing and we were playfully arguing over some random thing so I pulled out my phone to look it up and prove you wrong.  We were both looking intently at the iPhone screen as I opened Safari, and the first thing that popped up was a big picture of some porno girl getting railed.  Dammit, dammit, dammit. I was obviously looking at porno pics on my phone the last time I had safari open, and I forgot to X-out the pages. I’ve never been so embarrassed and utterly pissed off at myself.  Srsly sorry that you may have been into me, but now you probably think I’m a creep with an addiction to iPhone porn. Srsly sorry to myself, now that all her friends have probably heard the story, and they were cute too.  Srsly.  Sorry.

- S.D.

Dear world,
Sorry I make being a bat shit insane tranny look so cool. Feel free to put a bullet in my head if you can get it through one of my retarded hats.

- Lady Gaga

Dear World,

Living without me must be hard.  Sorry.

- John Candy

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Srsly sorry but, when I said I would give you 40 virgins when you died, I didn’t mention why they were virgins. If you are wondering why you are now surrounded by 40 fat, ugly, and nagging virgins in the afterlife, it’s because you are in Hell, you mass murdering asshole.

- GOD

Dear Jill,

You were my first real girlfriend, and we loved to get hot and heavy.  Srsly sorry that I couldn’t wait to get you alone at that concert, so I convinced you to hook up with me in a port-o-potty. That was a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake.

- Kevin

Dear King George III,

F%$# off.

- the Founding Fathers

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Srsly sorry, but we’ve got Chuck Norris, and he’s coming for you.

- America

Dear Romeo,

Sorry I didn’t tell you about my terrible yeast infection. It’s just that we don’t get to wash up that often in these times. You didn’t seem to mind, but srsly sorry anyways.

- Juliet

Dear Consumers,

Srsly Sorry Suckers! You srsly buy BOTTLED WATER from us! Hah! We pump out water from your rivers and streams, bottle it up, and sell it back to you. 100% profit baby, we don’t pay sh*t for that water, and by the way, it’s the exact same as tap water.  Oh man, it’s almost sad how much money we make off you.

- Nestle

Dear Kylie,

I’m sorry that you thought that you giving me a handjob in the McDonald’s parking lot meant that us being together was a sealed deal. Actually, it had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong, the HJ was great, but a girl who gives them out in McD’s parking lot is not really girlfriend material.  Srsly sorry.

- satisfied customer #1,000,000

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous

Dear People of Earth,
Sorry but, we don’t want your polluted and torn up planet. You’re always making us seem like the bad guys, as if we would actually travel all these light years just to eradicate you and use your “natural resources”. Pshh. You’ve gone and demolished everything already. Srsly sorry but, get over yourselves, and please stop making movies about how terrible we are. We are actually very nice, and our planet is pretty sweet too.

- the ALIENS from OUTER SPACE

Dear Young People in America,

Sorry bout all this worrisome financial stuff, but you all like to work, right?  I mean, like, when you get old?  Oh, phew, I thought you’d be mad about the fact that the nations financial future is f*^#ed, and you all had nothing to do with it. I mean, social security is lame anyways!  You’d have to be poor to want that!

- BANKERS of america