Dear Penis,

Srsly Sorry about last weekend.  I never should have put you in that “hairy” situation.  I swear I will never hook up with a pudgy, liberal hipster ever again!  Damn you Jack Daniels!   Damn you!

- John D.

Dear Math,

We used to hang out, but you got a little needy.  Sorry I went to the university and became a psychiatrist instead.  Srsly though, solve your own problems.

- anonymous

Dear Brad,

Sorry that I told you I wanted you to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey at our thanksgiving mixer last year.  I didn’t know that girl behind you was your girlfriend.

- the sexy turkey

Dear Inconsiderate Jerk,

You played loud music on and off throughout the entire HARRY POTTER FILM! I don’t know if you were unaware that it was leaking out of your headphones or if you are really just that much of a d*ck. Either way, I am sorry that one day you will wake up after a lifetime of loneliness, and I will be standing over you quite prepared to take my revenge. I will find you.

- not that sorry

Dear Brett Favre,

Sorry that picture of your penis leaked to the internet.  More sorry that you have a weird looking, floppy penis.  Even more sorry that you are still in the NFL, we used to like you.

- trammel

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I’m seriously sorry I lied about dropping your toothbrush in the toilet. That’s not what really happened. My gay best friend actually shoved it up his a**hole. Didn’t you notice the brown flecks of poop debris? I guess you shouldn’t have made all those homophobic jokes at his expense over the years, and you really shouldn’t have cheated on me. Oh, and you might want to buy a new toothbrush now. I noticed you still had the poopie one when I moved my stuff out.  Have a nice life.

- your ex-girlfriend

Dear Steve Irwin,

Oops, I didn’t see you there, sorry!  No wait, don’t pull the barb out!  Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, put some pressure on it.  Aw man, I loved your show, really sorry about this.  If it’s any consolation, my ass hurts like a bitch.

- Stingray

Dear Kev,

Sorry about me and Tim getting a hummer from your GF the other night, but she brought it up, and we couldn’t help ourselves. I know you’ll forgive us, we’re bros, but you oughta dump that skank-0-potamus.

- Jeff N

Dear Wifey,

I am sure you never imagined you’d have a bleeding anus on your wedding day.  I’m sorry, but in reality, it was your idea to try anal the night before the big day.  And it was your idea to keep going even when it hurt.  Let me say again, it was YOUR idea.  I’m still sorry.

- Johnny Lee

Dear Mom,

Sorry for spending all your money at the bars but, by God, someone has to stimulate the economy.

- BZ

Dear Man at the Beach,

Sorry for running up to you and hugging your leg, but with your torquoise swim trunks, and your gray, balding head, I thought you were my dad. Srsly sorry to have freaked you out like that, but I was only 6.  I hope my look of pure horror and awkward dash away made up for the surprise.  Srsly.

- Not Your Daughter

Dear Vagina,

Sorry I threw up in your mouth while we were making out last night.  I could never get that nerve problem under control :\

- Penis

Dear Trish,

Sorry about bailing after you got preggers.  From what I hear, I’m not the only potential father, thank God.  Don’t you dare try to get me on Maury, I ain’t goin!

- anonymous

Dear English Language,
Sorry about the whole ‘raping you’ and all that.  I only did it for the money.

- Stephanie Meyer

Sorry I peed on your rug.  It really tied the room together.

- Woo