Sorry I scared you. I only hide under your bed because it’s warm & snug.  Srsly, I don’t mean to frighten you and I try not to snore, but I can’t really help it due to my nasal congestion. I’m sorry about all your missing socks; it’s just they’re very tasty, especially when they haven’t been washed for a few days. They go quite well with dust bunnies & dried parsley.  I try to go to the toilet when you’re asleep, but I know you’ve woken up a couple of times and seen me – soz.  Anyway, I quite like it under your bed, so I’ll be here a while.  Love and kisses.

- The Monster-Under-the-Bed

Dear dead mouse under my desk where I rest my feet that I did not see,
I’m sorry for rolling your body around for about 2 hours before finding you.  Your smooth soft body made me mistake you for a sock, but it was obvious that you were not a sock when I stuck my toe in your dead mouth.

- Adam

Laura,

I’m not sorry about having sex with you in the bay at midnight– that was awesome. However, I am sorry that box jellyfish got wedged between my boner and your vag. If it makes you feel any better, my unit now looks like an overcooked hot dog.

- Swollen Member

Miss Piggy,

Lets be honest, you’re a pudgy face, and I’m a star.  If there’s one rule I stick to, it’s NO FATTIES.  It will never happen, srry.

- KERMIT the FROG

Dear hot Australian I met in Spain,

When you asked me if I wanted to “experience you” you should have mentioned that I was also going to experience Chlamydia.  Please say sorry (in a sexy Australian accent).

- kyle

Dear Walt,

We slipped in a bunch of penises and boners throughout the films like you asked.  Sorry we couldn’t fit more, we just thought some of your suggestions were way too obvious.

- DISNEY ANIMATORS

Dear Old Me,
I know you’ve got high hopes and everything, but it might be a good idea to just put those away and start getting accustomed to dollar menus and internet porn.  The real world sucks.

- New Me

Evan,
I got a blowski from your ex fiance.  In my defense, you were the one that initially broke off the engagement.  Also, I was in on HELL of a drought.  I want to believe that, had you known, you would be cool with me, your best friend, catching a hummer from your ex.  That being said, I am sorry that I hope you never, ever find out.

- James R

Sorry I gave your colorblind child a rubiks cube for his birthday.  My bad.

- Dave E

Dear Johnny Dansizer from 6th grade, Rittman OH,

I’m the one who put poop in your pillowcase at that sleep over in 6th grade.  It was my poop.  srsly srry.

- Chris P

To all the kids in the Galaxy theater, Dallas TX, at Finding Nemo in 2003,

While you were enjoying a classic family film, I was getting a BJ in the back row.  Sorta messed up, sorta awesome, sorta sorry.

- Charles K

Jay,

Sorry I put a home-made poop spread in your nutella jar, and then made you a bagel.  Looking back, I think I crossed the line with that one.  But really, how did you not smell it before biting?

- Brandon K

Mrs. Rossham from 7th grade history,

diligent boners – that’s all I got from you and your world history class.  srsly not that sorry.

- Bernardo Velasquez