Dear Samwise,
I am so sorry I didn’t tell you in the Shire, but I lust for your impish body and always have. When we finish our quest to return this over-sized cockring to that throbbing volcano, do you think that we can go on a cruise together? Perhaps, to the north where they will have sea-food? I do love me a nice shrimp buffet.

- Love always, Frodo

Dear Count Chocula,
I’m leaving you for Captain Crunch. Srsly sorry.

- Jency

Dear Brave Little Toaster,

Srsly sorry that we recycled you immediately after you showed up again in our new house.  I mean, we left you behind for a reason.  Glad you had fun in the woods though!

- your master

Dear world,
Sorry I make being a bat shit insane tranny look so cool. Feel free to put a bullet in my head if you can get it through one of my retarded hats.

- Lady Gaga

Charlie Sheen,

I heard that you want to have a third woman living with you and that you’ve tried but had no luck on that. You also said that ‘if anyone could manage juggling lots of women, it would be me.’ Sorry son, but that was actually me, I’ve had 3 Goddesses living with me, and my own show made because of them. I was winning before you were even a tickle in your daddy’s ball sack.

- Hugh Hefner

Dear Humans,

Get your living in, because your world is about to get f%$#ed up!

- 2012

Dear Sleeping Person,

I only want to nuzzle up next to you because you are so warm and soft.  I never meant to bite you, you just smelled so good and I lost control of myself.  Sorry.

- Bed Bugs

Dear Winnie the Pooh,

Sorry I always end up bringing you down. Life is hard with a detachable tail. Oh shucks, I lost it again.

- Eeyore

Dear pre-teen boys of America,

So sorry for my monopolization of the attention of most of the girls in your age group.  If it’s any consolation, you will probably hit puberty way before I do (if I ever do).  Plus, skeezy old men will still wack off to pics of me long after you (and all the little girls) have forgotten me.
Seriously, sorry.

- Justin Beiber

Dear Consumers,

Srsly Sorry Suckers! You srsly buy BOTTLED WATER from us! Hah! We pump out water from your rivers and streams, bottle it up, and sell it back to you. 100% profit baby, we don’t pay sh*t for that water, and by the way, it’s the exact same as tap water.  Oh man, it’s almost sad how much money we make off you.

- Nestle

Dear Hurricane Katrina and the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers,

Srsly sorry that y’all are catching a lot of flak for the levees failing, but, let’s be honest, we didn’t exactly transport ourselves out of South America in order to be used as coats.

- Nutria aka R.O.U.S.

Dear New Orleans,

So… sorry that our crappy levees made your city flood after a CAT 5 storm. Oh wait, it was a Cat 3?… Oh… But come on, there was only so much we could do with paper-mache and popsicle sticks. Srsly, though, sorry.

- The Army Corps of Engineers

Dear New Orleans,

Why you decided to build an entire city under sea level, I’ll never know… So, I guess this is long over due, and I guess I’m sorry? But I mean, I’m a hurricane, I was just being me. Oops.

- Hurricane Katrina

Dear Oscar the Grouch,

Sorry that the rest of the cast is bringing you down. I mean, you would think that one of the a-holes who say they are your friends would help you out. You know, give you some food, maybe a couch to sleep on so you don’t have to live in a trash can. Srsly, sorry dude.


Dear Anne Boleyn,

Soooo, I don’t quite know how to say sorry for chopping off your head and all. Turns out that whole you not being able to give birth to a son was mostly my fault.  Yeah…sorry.  Better late than never!

- King Henry the VIII