Dear Henry VIII,

Sorry but, you being the king doesn’t excuse your poor performance in bed.  And don’t you try to blame this conception of a male heir thing on me when your sperm count is lower than my great-grandpa’s! Jeez, just kill me already.  Haha, just kidding about the killing me thing. Love ya babe!

- Anne Boleyn

Dear People of Earth,
Sorry but, we don’t want your polluted and torn up planet. You’re always making us seem like the bad guys, as if we would actually travel all these light years just to eradicate you and use your “natural resources”. Pshh. You’ve gone and demolished everything already. Srsly sorry but, get over yourselves, and please stop making movies about how terrible we are. We are actually very nice, and our planet is pretty sweet too.


Dear Young People in America,

Sorry bout all this worrisome financial stuff, but you all like to work, right?  I mean, like, when you get old?  Oh, phew, I thought you’d be mad about the fact that the nations financial future is f*^#ed, and you all had nothing to do with it. I mean, social security is lame anyways!  You’d have to be poor to want that!

- BANKERS of america

Dear Math,

We used to hang out, but you got a little needy.  Sorry I went to the university and became a psychiatrist instead.  Srsly though, solve your own problems.

- anonymous

Dear Brett Favre,

Sorry that picture of your penis leaked to the internet.  More sorry that you have a weird looking, floppy penis.  Even more sorry that you are still in the NFL, we used to like you.

- trammel

Dear Steve Irwin,

Oops, I didn’t see you there, sorry!  No wait, don’t pull the barb out!  Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, put some pressure on it.  Aw man, I loved your show, really sorry about this.  If it’s any consolation, my ass hurts like a bitch.

- Stingray

Dear Gulf Coast,

Trust me when I say I’m sorry.  I had planned to take my yacht to the gulf this summer, and now those plans are totally ruined. Lame.

- Tony Hayward, former CEO of BP

Dear fatso,
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the support you needed when you sat on me.  I tried my hardest, but I popped a spring.   I beg of you, lose some weight before they toss me in the dumpster!

- Recliner #9

Dear English Language,
Sorry about the whole ‘raping you’ and all that.  I only did it for the money.

- Stephanie Meyer

I’m a blimp fool.  Filled with Hydrogen. That’s highly flammable brother.  You should have never turned off the “no smoking” sign.  Srsly Sorry.


Dear Antoine Dodson,

Sorry for what happened with yo sister, I was drunk and thought she was my hot blow up doll.  Actually, I’m not coming for yo kids, wives, or husbands, but hey, Made ya famous!

- the Rapist

Dear Princess,

Turns out you were much hotter during the eighties, and lately I’ve lost interest. Had a mid-life crisis which turned into an obsession with fast cars and dangerous people. Now I look back, and my mental picture of you seems pixelated. I mean, I was crazy about you, I jumped off of all these weird pyramid things to get your attention…turns out I like shooting stuff better and occasionally pretending I’m an orc. Also, the top of your head is as big as your butt. Sorry!


Dear MTV Fans,
Sorry for airing shows that glorify stupidity, drunkenness, slutty women, and wannabe celebrities.  But mostly I’m sorry for airing the Real World spinoff, The Jersey Shore.  Tune in thursday at ten for your weekly dose of greasy stupidity… srsly sorry.

- MTV - remember when we used to play music? that was lame.

Sean Bell,

I am sorry that I thought you had a gun, I am sorry for shooting at your car 50 times, but most of all i’m sorry for ruining your bachelor party/wedding.  Seriously though, srsly sorry.

- Sincerely yours, NYPD

Dear Vampire Fans,
Sorry I ruined an entire genre.

- Stephanie Meyer