Jacob,

Last winter, I got super high and ate the cupcakes your girlfriend brought over.  I then woke up to find cupcake frosting all over the couch, which is also yours.  I then went into my room, passed out, and got up to leave for Christmas vacation.  To this day I deny any cupcake eating, or couch frosting had anything to do with me.  I am a sweet-toothed high selfish bastard, and I know it.  Srsly sorry.

- your old roomy

Dear Vegan Food,

Ever since I started eating you, my farts have been awful, I mean, worse than dog farts. Srsly sorry, but I don’t think you are worth it.

- anonymous

Dearest Father,
I was having phone sex with my bf who was out of town and he convinced me to finally do the whole cucumber thing.I didnt know what to do with it so I washed it and put it back since you hate it when we waste food. Im sorry that you ate it for lunch the next day…I can never eat another cucumber for as long as I live.

- Horny Daughter

Dear Ihop Waitress,

Sorry that I was passed out drunk on the table by the time you brought out my pancakes. Surely you hate that job as it is, and dealing with drunk ass kids at 3 in the morning who call you Mrs. Pancakes, then pass out and don’t pay doesn’t help.

- anonymous

Dear Hispanic Woman at the Grocery Store,

I am sorry that when you and the other “white” woman accidentally collided at the grocery store, and I was helping you both gather up your things, I instinctively put the tortillas and beans in your basket. Turns out, they weren’t yours. Is that accidental racism?

- accidental racist

Dear Dad,

Sorry that as a kid I used to stuff my used Big league Chew under the back seat of the car. I just remember you got pissed if we threw anything out the window, and I was afraid to swallow it because I didn’t want it in my guts for 7 years, and Big League Chew looses its flavor after like 3 minutes, so I had to replenish often, and under the seat seemed like the best place to deposit my gummy chew.

- your son

Ex-Boss,

I’m sorry that you are 5’2″, overweight and mid-fifties but still think you can hit on 5’9″ twentysomethings. Sorry I never responded to your advances and compliments. You made me feel incredibly awkward. Sorry you overheard me talking shit about your crappy restaurant. And especially, seriously sorry for the unemployment and sexual harassment case you’re about to have to deal with. Sometimes karma can’t come fast enough.

- anonymous

Dear Steph,

Srsly sorry about that time I left those deviled eggs in your backseat after the Thanksgiving party.  Then the eggs apparently got stuck under the seat, and your car now has a forever scent of deviled ass. Srsly Sorry about that.

- Karen

Dear Brandon,

I woke up with your girlfriend in my bed, don’t remember anything, but there was a bottle of whip cream and a jar of pickles on the floor. Clothes were partially on. I think I should be saying srsly sorry…. but I just can’t be sure.

- your roommate

Dear Bobby Fabiano,

You’re grandma used to bring you the most delicious chocolates from Spain when we were kids. You gave me a taste, and that was all I needed. Srsly sorry that me and the guys stole all your chocolates, like a whole mini-fridge full, and then denied, denied, denied the act.

- the guys from middle school

Dear Self,

Srsly sorry that I let you eat fast-food three times a day for the last few years. It’s a weird thing to realize you can no longer date in the same bracket you used to.

- anonymous

Dear Landlord,

Srsly sorry for what you found when I called you over about the heating problem. I honestly do not know how a bag full of Wendy’s burgers, fries, and a spilled frosty made it’s way into the already cramped air ducts, but this is college, so anything can happen.

- jason

Dear Brennan, my high school bf,

Sorry that it was my idea to use the honey during sex, and that I thought my parents wouldn’t be home until late late that night. We heard the garage door open, so we scrambled to get dressed.  Sorry that I burst out laughing when my mom said your new cologne smelled like honey, and sorry about your sticky drive home.

- Sarah

Dear Pita Pit Employee,

Sorry but I totally faked putting a tip in the tip jar. I put my hand in and pretended to drop a tip, because you were looking at me funny, and for some reason I felt bad about not tipping. Srsly sorry but, you work in fast food, tips are optional.

- Klein

Dear “Horny Girl with a Vegetable Fetish,”

Srsly sorry but, I’m a vegetable, you’re supposed to eat me. I guess what you do with me is up to you, but would you please take a shower first next time.

- Carrots and Cucumbers