Dear Carrots and Cucumbers,

Sorry that I use you for things other than eating.

- horny girl with a vegetable fetish

Dear Kylie,

I’m sorry that you thought that you giving me a handjob in the McDonald’s parking lot meant that us being together was a sealed deal. Actually, it had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong, the HJ was great, but a girl who gives them out in McD’s parking lot is not really girlfriend material.  Srsly sorry.

- satisfied customer #1,000,000

Dear Brock,

Sorry that, as a guest at your house, I ate the last of your CTC.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch is by far the best cereal ever, and I couldn’t resist. Srsly though, not cool that I finished off your box.

- shaun

Dear female college roommate,

This is one story I’ve never told anyone, and I’ll probably never tell you. One night, I saw you eating a salad with sliced cucumber in it, and when I checked my drawer in the fridge, guess what was missing? My cucumber. The one that I had just used as a DILDO the night before. I put it back in the fridge because I liked the way it felt cold.  Srsly sorry, but I guess that’s what happens when you steal your roommates food.

- anonymous

Dear Gingerbread Man,

Srsly sorry that I torture you every time I eat you.  Starting with a nibble on your legs, then munching on your arms, and saving your tasty head for the very end.  Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha….

- Michael C

Dear Drunk-ass teens, late-night at Denny’s,

I literally rubbed your toast on my balls.  You think that stuff only happens in movies, you’re wrong.  You guys were total a-holes, and deserved it.  Hope the loogie-strawberry jam was delicious!

- your waiter

Dear friends,

Srsly sorry I put so much sri racha in the drunken noodle. I’m used to using chili paste and I was kind of drunk to begin with.  Also sorry if your sh*ts burned the next day as a result.

- at least it tasted good?

Dear BF Brad,

Sorry I broke your mini-fridge when you told me I was getting fat.  But srsly, you’re pudgy too!  Guess you better find a new place to hoard your hot-pockets.  You should prob start looking for a new GF too.

- susan

Dear Fast Food Loser,

Would you please stop leering at me when you come in for your lunch break from the corner gas station? Just because I work here doesn’t mean that I am that desperate to find creepy old men like you attractive!! BTW, lay off the grease-burgers. Ugh! I cannot wait until I’m out of loserville’s burger joint!

- the hot fast food chick

Dear Pete,

Sorry for pulling your headphones out of your laptop in Science. I saw you watching porn and I couldn’t resist. That’s what you get for eating my pizza, it was stuffed crust. You NEVER eat another mans stuff crusted without punishment. Seriously sorry for getting you kicked out of class for the week though.

- Jason

Dear Cleaning lady,

I swear I didn’t time it to happen this way, but my morning coffee got the best of me.  Really sorry I took a massive dump right before you went in to clean the bathroom. I’m even more sorry that I had Mexican food last night…

- Anonymous

Dear People-who-tell-me-to-get-a-job,

I know you think that you’re doing me a favor every time you bring up my unemployment like it’s something bad or undesirable – but you’re not.  Sorry that I love watching television, reading romance novels and eating all day long. Forget that all my friends have forgotten to talk to me in weeks, I’d rather watch re-runs of the Nanny and eat bacon alllll day long. Yeah.

- anonymous

Dear McDonalds,

I dropped an upper decker in your toilet.  I admit, I always do.  Sorry.

- Mr. D

Dear Awkward Library Frequenter,

Just because I work all the time and you’re always awkwardly in the library does not make us friends. I’m sorry that when you ordered the “usual,” I had no idea what you meant.  You looked so heart broken when you told me it was just a single espresso shot.

- that barista girl that would never talk to you if it weren't part of her job

Dear Pizza Place on the LES,
I am sorry I used your bathroom without purchasing anything.  It was an emergency pit stop, caused by the taco stand down the street.  I’m extra sorry that I broke your toilet.  If it’s any consolation, I tried to fix it before fleeing the scene, but it was rank in there, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.  Seriously sorry.

- anonymous