Dear Douche Bag Step Son-in-law,

I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet and then soaked it in the dirty fish tank water while you were sleeping/passed out.  Your abusive behavior towards my step daughter and alcoholism/drug addictions needed to be rewarded.  Oh, and the yummy twice baked potatoe I served you that you gobbled right up???  Had cat sh*t in it.  Not that sorry.

- Step Mom-in-Law

Nikkie,
Sorry I had sex with you, then went upstairs and had sex with my little brothers friend, then went back and had sex with you again, then made you take us to my job at 3 in the morning so my “boyfriend” could make us food. Wow,  zannys are a crazy drug.  Sorry that I don’t remember half of it.

- Morgan

Brandon,

Really sorry that we antiqued you that one night last year, and subsequently sent you to the hospital.  How were we supposed to know that you are allergic to flour?

- Your pals

Dear 24 hour Whataburger,
I don’t know why I took a dump in your sink, sorry.  I know you knew it was me.  Thanks for still serving me my breakfast.

- Roger

My fellow Coworkers,
I drank too much last night, again,  and had a large amount of Taco C, again.  This explains the constant crop dusting.  Not that sorry.

- anonymous

Dear Jon Stewart,

Sorry about our little mix up.  Let’s grab a knish and put this behind us.  Oh, you forgot your wallet… ahem.  jew.  ahem… no, no, I didn’t say that, I said “phew!”  We’ll just put it on the CNN account, they own all the knish bakeries in NYC anyways… Right?

- Rick Sanchez

I woke up with two slices of pepperoni pizza in my purse.  Im really sorry that I messed up my purse, but I will never apologize for college.

- Jennifer S

Mom,
Turns out that condoms DO break, kids ARE expensive, drinking does NOT make parenting easier, and three-month-old twins CAN NOT survive on KFC alone.  Also, I plan on reupholstering your chair soon.  The kids are having trouble keeping down the Double Downs.  Srry I never listened.

- Brock

Dear Jews,

Soooooooooooooooooooooo, what happened, happened………  But I’m really not that kind of guy. I don’t know how things got so out of hand.  I guess I was just mad because you didn’t like the pork sandwich I made you.  I mean verdammen!. It’s the king of meats!  Es tut mir leid.  Srry.

- Adolf

Jay,

Sorry I put a home-made poop spread in your nutella jar, and then made you a bagel.  Looking back, I think I crossed the line with that one.  But really, how did you not smell it before biting?

- Brandon K

John,

I got really drunk and hardboiled your last four eggs and then ate the aforementioned eggs while I watched your premium cable.  When I woke up on your couch, there were two broken dinner plates on the floor.  I threw the shards away and denied any and all egg eating/plate breaking.  Sorry I am a drunken bastard.

- Chris L