- your son
I am gay. I never liked watching football with you, or throwing the ball around. Srsly sorry.
- a crazy girl who doesn't mind the label one bit
Dear Ambiguously “Heterosexual” 30+ Year Old Man,
I’m srlsy sorry that you are having trouble accepting your homosexuality. It’s quite obvious to everyone else, and we’re okay with it, so you can stop trying to prove your manliness by calling every girl you hook up with “crazy” and “desperate” just to reaffirm your own sex appeal. Maybe the reason women drive you nuts is BECAUSE YOU ARE GAY. Accept it, please, for the sake of all women everywhere.
- Jency H
Sorry that my dad called you “some sort of homo” to your face when you came to my house to spread rose petals all over my room before I got home for Valentine’s day last year. Sorry that you then broke up with me because you thought my family was ‘unaccepting.’ My dad is awesome, and maybe you are a homo!
Dear Obviously Homophobic friend of Carrie’s,
Listen, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to hook up with every guy I see. You made it awkward for everyone with your rude whispers about how you didn’t want me “hittin’ on ya.” Get over yourself, you are a short, pudgy, east Texas douche-bag.
- the girl from last night
Dear drunk chick from Boston,
Srsly sorry but, I don’t sleep with girls who are only bi when they’re drunk, and you were getting way too clingy.
Dear Kyle, my straight-roommate,
We shared a small studio apt in college, and you knew I was gay. Still, I’m sorry that I secretly drugged you with ambien one night so I could have sex with this cute guy I met. On your bed. Srsly sorry.
You decided it was OK for you to get yer “Gay” on in my parents bedroom, while they were away in Texas, so I am sorry for pointing an SKS at you and him and telling you to get the f*&^ out of my house. Again sorry for pointing a gun at your head, but think twice before you try to have a guy in someone else’s parents’ bed.
I’m sorry I said your anus was like the Bat Cave last halloween. But seriously, you are gay and you were dressed like a flamboyant Batman. The only thing that could have made the situation any gayer, is if you or your dog were dressed as Robin.
dear college roomie,
I never told you because I was in the closet back then, but I used your computer to look at gay porn, and would quickly shut it off whenever I heard the key in the door. One day your computer did not start again. Sorry, I hope you got a better computer and that you never looked closely at your old hard drive.
Dear Jeremy, hopefully the only person this has ever happened to,
Really sorry I outted you to your parents via Twitter.
- your friend chad
You hug me too much and for too long. It’s uncomfortable. Lets just keep it to handshakes dude.
- Kyle and Rob
Sorry we almost killed you by getting us all stranded in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean on a $20 raft. Peer pressuring you onto the raft, joking about eating you first, then making fun of you the rest of the trip was not that cool in retrospect. At least the rescue crew didn’t think we were gay when they found three half-naked grown men straddling each other in a miniature sinking raft…