Sorry that I only went to homecoming with you to make James jealous and evey time we danced I pretended I was with him. Also seriously sorry that when you left, James and I grinded the rest of the dance and fucked pretty much the rest or the night.
- Jenny P.
You said you didn’t mean to steal my guy in the first place, that you two just happened to fall for each other, even though he was clearly my BF. Well, seriously sorry that we’re in highschool, and you got preggers, but it’s kinda like karma. Baby karma. Say goodbye to your youth and fun times all together.
Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,
This is a two parter. First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed. Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off. I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment. Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.
- older now, and better too
We were fooling around in high school at Kyle’s party in a room in the basement, and we were getting hot and heavy. I was still pretty new at all that stuff, and you were obviously a bit more experienced than me. You started taking off your clothes and were pretty much naked when you whispered real sexy in my ear something along the lines of “come here and f*&^ me.” Well, seriously sorry that I said NO, and maybe made you feel like you weren’t good enough or something. The truth is, I was secretly super embarrassed because I had already cum in my pants. I said sorry, and then slipped out of the party and walked home, pants full of jizz, and a heart full of disappointment.
Dear Art Teacher,
I hid a penis in every drawing I turned in to you all of 10th grade! Srsly sorry.
Dear Brennan, my high school bf,
Sorry that it was my idea to use the honey during sex, and that I thought my parents wouldn’t be home until late late that night. We heard the garage door open, so we scrambled to get dressed. Sorry that I burst out laughing when my mom said your new cologne smelled like honey, and sorry about your sticky drive home.
- your son
Srsly sorry that I got caught masturbating in the school bathroom when I was in high school. That must have been a weird call for to get from the principal.
Sorry that you had to wash crusty socks all throughout high school. Now that I do my own laundry, I realize that jacking-off into socks is not the most discreet way to get the job done.
Dear Lindsay’s Dad,
Sorry that we toilet papered your house three nights in a row, but, your daughter is hot, and we only TP hot girls. You ought to be proud. It was pretty hilarious watching you try to chase us on the third night, thanks for that.
- growing up geek
Girls from school,
You made fun of me for years for being geeky, nerdy, and whatever else you could call me. Now you’re all pregnant with your second illegitimate baby, uneducated, and working for minimum wage or living off welfare. I have a kick ass job, a fantastic set of natural boobs, and will have a PHD by 25. Sorry you peaked early and have been headed downhill since you turned 16.
- jeremy c
It was my idea to put the itch powder in your jockstrap during baseball season last year. Don’t blame just me, everyone was in on it! Sorry that coach made you drop your pants and run laps!
Dear my girlfriend’s parents,
Sorry that me and your daughter have sex in your hot tub all the time. Every time I see you two in there, that’s all I can think about. While I’m here, srsly sorry that we’ve hooked up in your shower, your bed, and in your car. Yah, sorry.
Sorry I called you out and forced you to do the “stand-up test” in front of that whole party last year. You were sitting and flirting with Melanie, and I saw a little something going on in your pants. As you recall, I got all the guys to start chanting “stand-up-test”. Anyways, srsly sorry I embarrassed the hell out of you and made you stand up with a raging boner.
Dear hot Erin, from high school,
Your parents let you throw massive parties, and once I snuck into your room and stole a pair of your panties. Not as a prank or a dare, I just wanted them. It was a hot pink thong with white polka dots. 6 years later, I still have it. Srsly sorry.
- Normal Public-Schooled Athiest Girl
Dear Awkward Creepy Home-Schooled Mormon Boy,
So, here’s the thing: you’re really creepy and I just don’t like you. Opening my closed door and walking in without knocking while I was taking a nap was bad enough, but when you said, “I’d like to find an adventure in your vagina” to me, that was the end of line, even if you were “just kidding.” Basically, I’m kinda sorry that I’m not sorry for being a bitch and I’m seriously sorry you can’t take a hint.