Dear Krsytal,

Dammit it all.  The one time you catch me looking at another woman’s boobs, they happen to be your sisters. Sorry that she’s in high school, and she’s hot, like, really hot.  Forgive?

- your boyfriend

All the girls who sat across the room from me in highschool,

Just so you girls know, I am not clumsy.  I rarely drop stuff.  But every time you wore skirts, I would drop my pencil, or a book, or whatever at least a couple times per class period.  I was horny, and wanted to sneak a peak.  Sorry.

- older now

Dear high school kid that I tutor,
You’re dumber than crap… so dumb, in fact, that special education would not be “special” enough for you.   Additionally, I know teenage girls are desperate and not so smart, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that you are getting as much play as you claim you are…including from the prostitutes you said you got.  Let’s be honest, who’s going to screw the special kid?  I’ve tried, but I sincerely doubt ANYONE can help you.  Srsly sorry.

- Your Tutor

Dear Kenzie,

I’m sorry I put maple syrup all over your car, you shouldn’t have had sex with my prom date on prom.

- Better than Revenge

Dear Jenny,
I’m sorry you’re crazy and creepy. You had a thing for me but the feelings were totally one sided.  You had your best friend (who years later also realized you were a Happy Meal short of a Happy Meal) try to punch me out at a party! You wrote overly angsty poetry and fanfiction where you killed me for not loving you. What the hell! So, yeah. I’m sorry you’re nuts and I hope your current boyfriend either knows you’re nuts or isn’t your hostage….You’re also pretty hefty. That’s a deal breaker on its own.

- Lane

Dear innocent bible study girl,
Sorry I stole your boyfriend in the 9th grade Jenny.  You were nice. But seriously…I was way hotter.

- Hot Cheerleader