Dear Anne Boleyn,

Soooo, I don’t quite know how to say sorry for chopping off your head and all. Turns out that whole you not being able to give birth to a son was mostly my fault.  Yeah…sorry.  Better late than never!

- King Henry the VIII

Dear Henry VIII,

Sorry but, you being the king doesn’t excuse your poor performance in bed.  And don’t you try to blame this conception of a male heir thing on me when your sperm count is lower than my great-grandpa’s! Jeez, just kill me already.  Haha, just kidding about the killing me thing. Love ya babe!

- Anne Boleyn

Dear Native Americans,

Thanks for welcoming us onto your land a few hundred years back.  Thanks for teaching us how to farm the soil, and getting us through those cold winters.  Thanks for everything really, not sure we would have made it without you.  Sorry that we showed our appreciation by systematically stealing your land, killing your people, destroying your beautiful culture, and delivering you into alcoholism and gambling addictions.  Srsly though, Happy Thanksgiving!

- The Pilgrims

Dear Gulf Coast,

Trust me when I say I’m sorry.  I had planned to take my yacht to the gulf this summer, and now those plans are totally ruined. Lame.

- Tony Hayward, former CEO of BP

Dear Civilized World,

I’m sorry I contaminated your minds with sexist, perverted theories which you have spent the last half century actually believing. Bet you didn’t know I was high the whole time.  Cocaine is one hell of a drug.  Srsly, I’m a coke bandit… look it up.

- Sigmund Freud

I’m a blimp fool.  Filled with Hydrogen. That’s highly flammable brother.  You should have never turned off the “no smoking” sign.  Srsly Sorry.


Let me start by saying that even though I’m sorry, this is just as much your fault, since you ARE me.  That being said, I owe you an apology.  It was pretty silly for me to create an imperfect humanity and pin their only hopes for salvation on your brutal torment, torture, and execution.  But hey, RESURRECTING was pretty cool, amiright?!?


Sean Bell,

I am sorry that I thought you had a gun, I am sorry for shooting at your car 50 times, but most of all i’m sorry for ruining your bachelor party/wedding.  Seriously though, srsly sorry.

- Sincerely yours, NYPD

Dear George, Ringo, and Paul,

Sorry I broke up the group.  But, hey, it’s not like you guys were popular or anything anyway. Plus, you can always have a reunion tour…oh, wait. Oops…… Sorry. Peace be with you anyway.


Dear Walt,

We slipped in a bunch of penises and boners throughout the films like you asked.  Sorry we couldn’t fit more, we just thought some of your suggestions were way too obvious.


Turns out those virgins we were promised were virgins for a reason.  Can you say butterface?  Reeeaaallly regretting all the terrorism now.


Dear earth, Sorry I exist.

Affectionately Yours, Ke$ha



Sorry for calling you a lying, cheating whore and storming out, leaving you with only a camel and some hay for a few days.  Really though, your story was very difficult to believe…


Dear Jon Stewart,

Sorry about our little mix up.  Let’s grab a knish and put this behind us.  Oh, you forgot your wallet… ahem.  jew.  ahem… no, no, I didn’t say that, I said “phew!”  We’ll just put it on the CNN account, they own all the knish bakeries in NYC anyways… Right?

- Rick Sanchez

Dear Pompeii,  My bad.

Sincerely,  M.V.

- Mount Vesuvius