Dear Bethany,

Srsly sorry that we are Americans, and you just asked me if they celebrate the 4th of July in England. Wow, just, wow.

- Kevin

Dear Brad and Kelly,

Last New Years, when you two, me, and Jess shared the queen size bed in the hotel room (that’s right, 4 to a bed), Jess and I proceeded to hook up once you two fell asleep.  Srsly sorry for having sex 6 inches away from you. I am almost positive we kept any and all fluids on our side, but who knows, it was dark…

- Kev

Dear Adam,

Srsly sorry that I sorta stole your virginity last Cinco de Mayo.  Your parents were out of town so you threw a party (naturally), and we had a lot of tequila and snuck upstairs to your room.  You were like super drunk, but so was I so I figured it was cool.  I basically took the reigns and went for it  ;) .  Srsly sorry about how awkward it was the next day when you told me I took your virginity. I feel sorta bad about that.

- J ;)

Dear White Americans, especially those in Texas,

F&%$ off with your Cinco de Mayo celebrations.  You are white, and you don’t even know why we celebrate.  Stop using our holiday as an excuse to get drunk off of tequila and margaritas, and to make your crappy green, red, and white cakes where you don’t even put the colors in their right places. Srsly.

- hispanic american

Dear Girlfriend,

Sorry I just remembered that today is Valentine’s Day.

- I'll figure something out

Dear Bryan,

Sorry that my dad called you “some sort of homo” to your face when you came to my house to spread rose petals all over my room before I got home for Valentine’s day last year. Sorry that you then broke up with me because you thought my family was ‘unaccepting.’  My dad is awesome, and maybe you are a homo!

- Jency H

Dear Valentine’s Day,

Srsly, f$#@ you and your romantic propaganda. Sorry that I am not rich, and cannot afford to take my girlfriend out for expensive dinners and horse-carriage rides through the park.  Thanks for brainwashing my girlfriend, and making me look bad, again.

- Jerrod

Dear Monica,

Srsly sorry that I could never get you to wear the edible undies I got you for Valentines Day last year. I love you, but you’re kinda a prude sometimes. Happy V-Day!

- James

Dear A.K.,
Sorry that my size has stopped you from getting a date for Valentines Day. I mean who knew being fat was a turn off for women. Maybe it’s for the best though, because even if a girl did put out, she’d see the stretch marks on me.

- Your Stomach

Dear Karen,

Sorry that I made out with a random girl at midnight last year, but you were gone for New Years, and I have a streak to uphold!  Ten years running of New Years kisses!  Booyah!

- Christian

Dear boyfriend,

Sorry that I made out with someone else last new years, but you were out of town ON NEW YEARS!

- jenny

Dear Christmas,

Srlsy, F#$% you!

- the GRINCH

Dear Jessica,

When we hooked up last year at Christmas, I asked you for a sexy present, and you gave me a striptease/bj combo.  Awesome. Srsly Sorry that when you asked me to return the favor on New Years, I was hooking up with a new girl.

- Shane

Dear Little Helper Elves,

Sorry we dissolved your labor union, and you’re working 20 hour days, every day, except for Christmas.  Oh, and sorry I had to cut your pay by half, it’s a rough economy…


Dear Chris and Kathy, two Christmases ago,

I didn’t realize the eggnog was of the “adult” variety when I gave your four year old a glass. We thought he was just acting silly, but then he puked up rum and nog vomit all over the couch, and I realized what I had done. Srsly sorry I never fessed up, but, at least he was really entertaining. Drunken children are always funny.

- Hank