Dear Kids of America,

You’re all getting books this year. Sorry, I know you wanted the newest-coolest-violent video game, but you’re all getting more and more dumb, and someone’s gotta do something about it.

- SANTA

To my small child,

Sorry but, you’re a terror.  This year you ruined all my furniture with markers, hid a bunch of your buggers on the wall behind your bed, and cost me about $3000 in hospital bills, among other things. Sorry but, Santa isn’t bringing many presents this year.

- fed up father

Dear Gingers,

Sorry you were born as mutants, but, on the bright side, you are kinda cool now, thanks to me. Merry Christmas.

- CONAN

Dear Obnoxious Religious People,

Sorry that your only joy around this time of year seems to come from lecturing people about how Christmas is all about Jesus. Asking if my kids are “saved” and then telling me they’re going to hell for not being saved, made me want to punch the crap out of you. Not cool.

- Athiest Mama

Dear Joseph,
Sorry for cheating on you with the, eh hem, “Angel.”  It’s just, I had a little too much wine the other night, and he was really, really cute. Srsly sorry.

- Mary

Daniel,
We were drunk at a party few Christmas’ ago and your girlfriend rang while you were passed out. I couldn’t pass up that moment to mess with you, so I answered it and told her you were asleep. Then “pretended” to hang up, and talked to you, saying I told her that you were asleep and that you could go sleep with that girl Stacy. I then took over the role of you, and slept with said Stacy. Sorry that later she broke it off, and slept with me. That was a giant and semi-complex douche move. Seriously sorry.

- jason

Dear You-know-who,

Sorry I didn’t invite you to my solstice party tomorrow.  It’s gonna be awesome, but, srsly, I don’t need your Christian self-righteous personality telling me that I’m going to burn in hell for having a different religious belief than you do.

- Mike

Dear Gingerbread Man,

Srsly sorry that I torture you every time I eat you.  Starting with a nibble on your legs, then munching on your arms, and saving your tasty head for the very end.  Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha….

- Michael C

Dear Nearly Everyone,

Merry Christmas? I mean, c’mon, what does a big fat man and flying reindeer have to do with Jesus?  You can keep your crazy myths, and I will keep my 8 nights that are actually meaningful. Sorry pseudo-christians, but you don’t make sense to me.

- Jewish kid

Dear Santa,

Eff you.  I saw you kissing my mom.  My dad is gonna be soooo pissed.  Srsly, sorry, cuz I’m telling, and he will mess you up.

- just playing

Dear Lindsay,  Gingerbread house making day, Third grade,

Sorry I ruined the best day of the year for you, but I had a huge crush on you, so I decided to show you by smushing chewed up dots in your hair, and sitting on your gingerbread house.  Srsly sorry.

- Sean Melkins

Dear Mom, Christmas when I was 8,

Sorry I cried my eyes out, all day, when you got me the ‘Crossfire’ game for Christmas. I wanted a playstation. Now that I’m older, I realize that you worked really hard just to afford that game for me.  Sorry I was such a prick.

- Chris Kelly

Dear Husband who claims he’s getting me a shake-weight for Christmas,
If you actually get me a shake weight for Christmas, you can count on never getting a hand job ever again, even though, after all the working out I will be doing, I will be amazing at giving them.  Srsly Sorry.

- wife

Dear Frosty,
Sorry we always put your nose and eyes on your crotch. Just thought you’d want to be well equipped. You’re welcome.

- shane and kyle

Dear Mom and Dad,
Sorry that when you told me Santa wasn’t real, I was so mad that I snuck out of my room to the tree that night, and broke all the ornaments. All the ones I could reach at least. Srsly sorry, but it sucks to find out that the coolest person alive isn’t real.

- Kelsey