Dear Australian Beauty,
I am srsly sorry that I gave you a fake number, and a fake name that night last summer. But thank God I did because the condom broke, and I didn’t want to be around to see what the outcome of that was. Score 1 for international alias’s, score 0 for girls who pull one night stands with international travelers.
First of all, I guess I’m sorry for not remembering your name even though we had sex last night. Second of all, sorry it was cut short, but I was NOT in the mood for anything after you threw up in the sink after having a glass of water. I shouldn’t really have been there anyway, so, last but not leat, sorry to me for getting to drunk to stop myself from having bad revenge sex. I guess it was an interesting and learn -worthy experience, but I do hope it never happenes, ever, again.
Dear girls on dating websites,
Srsly sorry that you think we want to date you. We only sign on to these things to get us some easy pussy.
Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,
This is a two parter. First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed. Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off. I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment. Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.
- that girl who shouldn't have hooked up with you
Srsly sorry that me and my friends call you Weezy. You weezed the whole time we were having sex (the four minutes of it). Srsly sorry… and go work out.
- your friendly co-worker
I’m seriously sorry to let you know that I have been screwing one of our fellow co-worker in the office, also I’m sorry that you guys still eat on the table that has supported my bare ass in one of our many positions, also sorry for the stains on the very comfy chair, I like to sometimes be on top. Also, sorry that you guys all still believe I’m a virgin, but I’m eighteen, come on, how many eighteen year old virgins do you know! And I guess this sorry is for the times to cum, haha pun intended, but I’m not about to stop my needs at the office for your sanitary needs. But seriously guys, sorry!:)
- older now, and better too
We were fooling around in high school at Kyle’s party in a room in the basement, and we were getting hot and heavy. I was still pretty new at all that stuff, and you were obviously a bit more experienced than me. You started taking off your clothes and were pretty much naked when you whispered real sexy in my ear something along the lines of “come here and f*&^ me.” Well, seriously sorry that I said NO, and maybe made you feel like you weren’t good enough or something. The truth is, I was secretly super embarrassed because I had already cum in my pants. I said sorry, and then slipped out of the party and walked home, pants full of jizz, and a heart full of disappointment.
You were really sweet and OK in bed, but I’m seriously sorry you are weird and don’t brush your teeth and kinda gross me out. Please quit calling and texting me.
I’ve let it slide for too long, but I’m afraid I can’t hook up with you anymore until you do something about the random long hairs growing near your belly button and around your nipples. I simply can’t bear to be sucking or kissing your chest and wind up feeling a long coarse hair on my tongue anymore. It is gross. Does this happen with every girl? I mean, I love you, but seriously, you must notice these things. If only I could figure out a way to bring this up to you. Until then, srsly sorry, but I will be avoiding those places, or you will be keeping your shirt on during sex…
Dear Brad and Kelly,
Last New Years, when you two, me, and Jess shared the queen size bed in the hotel room (that’s right, 4 to a bed), Jess and I proceeded to hook up once you two fell asleep. Srsly sorry for having sex 6 inches away from you. I am almost positive we kept any and all fluids on our side, but who knows, it was dark…
Dear Cougar from the regional meetup,
If you feel I led you on in some way, then yes, you are correct. At the last minute I just could not go through with hooking up with you. Srsly sorry, but you sorta reminded me of my mom.
Dear Mormon Girls in L.A. during my Senior Trip,
Me and my buddies were on our senior trip when we met you and your girlfriends who were also on a senior trip. We quickly learned that y’all we’re from Utah and you were mormons. After learning this fact, we figured you guys weren’t gonna be that much fun, but we were dead wrong. We partied hard all night long, one thing lead to another, and I found myself naked with two of you in the condo bedroom. Yes, reader, you heard correct, I wound up in the middle of a mormon three-some – something you don’t hear very often. So, why am I srsly sorry? The threesome was awesome, but when it was over I grabbed the closest piece of cloth to clean up with which was one of your blouses and I think I may have unintentionally insulted your religion with some comment about Joseph Smith… so, for soiling your nice blouse and insulting your beliefs, I am srsly sorry.
Dear Jennifer (not her real name),
I don’t often meet women at bars, let alone women that go home with me, but you and I hit it off. I offered to buy you a drink, you said you didn’t drink (clue #1), then I asked if you wanted to dance, you said the dance floor was too crowded (clue #2). We chatted it up for a couple hours then I asked you needed a ride home. All was going well, we were making out and taking off our clothes, when you stopped me to tell me something important. You we’re pregnant. Not showing yet, but still pregnant. Srsly sorry, but something about hooking up with a pregnant women who is still bar hopping, is clearly alienated from the baby-daddy, and totally cool with me “not using a condom because the factory is already in use” did not work for me. Sorry about the awkward wait for the cab to show up, and sorry that I didn’t have any cash to help you get home.
- J ;)
Srsly sorry that I sorta stole your virginity last Cinco de Mayo. Your parents were out of town so you threw a party (naturally), and we had a lot of tequila and snuck upstairs to your room. You were like super drunk, but so was I so I figured it was cool. I basically took the reigns and went for it ;) . Srsly sorry about how awkward it was the next day when you told me I took your virginity. I feel sorta bad about that.
- twin lover
Srsly sorry that I made out with your twin brother Matt, the weekend after I made out with you. The thing is, he’s just as hot as you, but he happens to play the violin, but not the nerdy violin, the cool “i’m in a folk band” violin. Yeah, srsly sorry. What can I say, violins get me hot.