Kimmy,

Remember that night we hooked up sophomore year?  Remember waking up in the morning in a wet yellow puddle on my bed, and me blaming it on you?  You ran out crying, super embarrassed, and I haven’t seen you since.  Well, what really happened was that I pissed the bed, and I woke up before you, switched positions with you, then blamed it all on you.  Sorry, but I got a kick out of that.

- anonymous

Cody,

Sorry I cock-blocked you last night.  Everyone knows you don’t really have herpes.

- Scott

Dear Mom,

I‘m sorry I texted you that I wanted to “do you in the a** like I did last weekend at Johnny B’s party.”  I promise to never date anyone with the same name as you ever again.

- Brandon M

Christy,

Sorry about my “mis-step” last night, but, frankly, you care about your Egyptian cotton sheets way too much.

- Terry R

Spring Break Girl, I think from Alabama, but maybe not.

I ran out on you after we hooked up, that was a given.  It was spring break.  I told you I would call you, but I didn’t.  Of course I wasn’t gonna call.  I stole a bottle of vodka when I ran out.  That’s sorta messed up.  But I’m not really sorry about any of it, except I am kinda sorry that I may have given you crabs.  That sucks.

- jerry c

Bryan,

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was my time of the month before we hooked up.  I was really horny, and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.  Personally, I think you’re being kinda a pussy about the whole thing, but ok, sorry I intentionally chili-dogged you.

- Anonymous

Dear gas station employee on 7th street,  Austin TX,

Im sorry your life blows, but you don’t have to ridicule my boyfriend for buying “snug fit” condoms.  I like it better anyways,  you suck.

- Anonymous

Scott,

I thought blue balls was a myth.  Srsly srry.

- Ginny K

Alex Ryley,

I’m pregnant.

- Jenny

Melissa,

I think you over-reacted, but I’m sorry about going for your “other hole” without talking about it first.

- Lance

I fantasize about Smurfette.  Sorry Papa Smurf.

- Anonymous

Jeanelle,

I’m sorry I asked you to “Gogurt” my dick after the BJ you gave me last night.  I thought you would be cool with that.

- BW

To all the kids in the Galaxy theater, Dallas TX, at Finding Nemo in 2003,

While you were enjoying a classic family film, I was getting a BJ in the back row.  Sorta messed up, sorta awesome, sorta sorry.

- Charles K

Tiff,

Last night, you farted on me when you were sleeping.  I’m sorry about that, because I’m not really attracted to you anymore, it sux.

- Darren

Lance (Prejack),

You confided in me about your girlfriend-disappointing premature ejaculation.  You wanted advice.  I told everyone at the lunch table.  Now you have a shitty nickname.  Oops.

- James