Dear Girl I was hooking up a few months ago,

Sorry that I asked you if you were liberal or conservative as we were getting naked. Also sorry that I left shortly after you said you were a republican, and did not give you the goods. Sorry but, in the off chance that my little swimmers encounter your little embryo, I gotta know that you’ll take care of that problem. Yup, it’s responsibility mixed with fear and apathy, all three support my very happy lifestyle.

- Jeff L.

Dear GF,

Srsly sorry that I woke you up by rubbing on your hoohoo. I honestly thought you would like it, and I thought it would be better as a surprise. Sorry that you felt “violated.”  Srsly, though, please don’t hesitate to return the favor.

- sleepy boy

Dear Melissa, and all the people in the theater during the Lord of the Rings (the third one),

We had been dating for like  3 months, and I had always wanted to try it, and I thought you would either go for it, or laugh it off.  So I made sure we sat in the back row, and I waited until about 1 hour into the movie, then I did the hole in the popcorn bag trick.  You reached for some more popcorn, and I just looked straight ahead at the screen. I am srsly sorry that when you figured out what you were grabbing, you gasped, ripped the bag off my lap, threw it down, and left the theater…. Some call it creepy and unoriginal, I call it legendary.

- T.J.G.

Dear Krissy,

Sorry that I yogurted on your new leather coach purse.  I think that it was mostly your fault for not putting it somewhere clear of the action.

- B.K.

Dear Girl,

Sorry that I accidentally farted while we were having sex the other night. I know you heard it because I saw your surprised face, but you didn’t say anything which only made it worse.  I have feeling this is gonna be a one-night-stand only.

- I hope you don't remember my name

Dear Boyfriend,

I’ve got to confess, I’ve been having weird desires lately, mostly involving your a**hole. Srsly sorry that I might slip some fingers in places you don’t approve of.

- your gf

Dear Lady-friend,

I’m srsly sorry, but when you get your next period, we are through. I think you’ve grown a little too attached to me, which was apparent when you iron-woman gripped my ass when we were having sex and forced me to cum inside. Srsly? I honestly wasn’t expecting that one.

- your violated boyfriend

Dear Sandy Vag,

Sorry that I had sex on the beach, and now I think you may have some turtle eggs nested up in there.  Srsly though, sand and vaginas do not mix.

- vanessa

Dear Garrett,

Sorry that I lied about being on birth control, I was just really horny and you wouldn’t do it otherwise.  Oopsy!

- horny girl

Dear Dad,

Sorry you walked in on me and my gf hooking up in my room.  I know you said that wasn’t allowed ‘under your roof’, but where else were we to go? And on the other hand, you’re welcome for the free show….  I know Mom doesn’t look that good naked anymore.

- your son

Dear Jill,

You were my first real girlfriend, and we loved to get hot and heavy.  Srsly sorry that I couldn’t wait to get you alone at that concert, so I convinced you to hook up with me in a port-o-potty. That was a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake.

- Kevin

Dear Kiel,

Srsly sorry that I got more action on your bed than I ever got on my bed. I guess that’s what happens when your house is the party house.  Your red sheets didn’t help to cover up any ‘white’ stains.  haha, sorry dude.

- your pal

Dear Lion Guy,
Srsly sorry I strapped a condom onto your erection & rode you while you slept peacefully Saturday morning. Sure you got scared at first & screamed like a girl, but we both had the greatest orgasms ever…. Round two?

- your love

Dear Nasty Uncircumcised Boy,

I was gonna give you head, but your ‘head’ smelled like goat cheese.  Srsly sorry, but that’s gross.  If you’re gonna allow you dick to wear a hoody all the time, learn how to wash it right!

- Veronica C

Dear Vagina,

Srsly sorry I let that d-bag and his tiny penis anywhere near you. I had a few too many, and the more drinks I had the less douchebaggy his Ed Hardy shirt became. It won’t happen again, I swear!

- jennifer