Dear Random Girl that was clearly looking for some action,

You tractor-beamed in on me at the end of the night, and it was clear as to what you wanted. Srsly Sorry that I got your hopes up when I took you home, came inside, and got naked, but then nothing happened. I couldn’t help that I was struck by whiskey-d*ck, but I think it might have saved me from an STD or worse.  So, thank you whiskey-d*ck!

- Clive

Dear more than an eff-buddy,
Srsly sorry I didn’t come back when I said I would the other night. I like having sex with you, you like having sex with me, and things have never been easier than they are when we’re alone together, but the thing is that you’re seriously bad for me. You’ve unintentionally effed me over emotionally more than you’ve effed me in general, and that means we’re doing this eff-buddy thing wrong.

- Effed Either Way

Dear Brandon,

Sorry that we, your more sober friends that night, didn’t warn you not to hook up with that nasty girl.  She was a “dick-hunter” and you were drunk as shit. Srsly though, we feel bad about not stopping you now that you have the herp.

- Cody and Kevin

Dear Stuck-Up B*tch (you know who you are),

Sorry that you walked out on me just because I don’t have a bed frame for my bed. Srsly, you came all the way over to f$#@, just to walk out because of that!  C’mon.

- Guy without a bed frame

Dear Paul,

Sorry I hooked up with your twin sister, on your bed. She was like a hot female version of you, I couldn’t help myself.

- Brandon

Dear Hot kid at the Club,
Seriously, sorry I let you finger me at the club, even though it was amazing. You got nothing back, even though I told you I would return the favor. Srsly sorry you trusted me with that responsibility. you should learn not to trust girls like that, including me.

- Girl at the Club

Dear Brad,

Srsly sorry that I didn’t tell you I was on my period and you went down on me. I got caught up in the moment, but I think you over reacted. It’s just  a little white string.

- anonygirl

Dear Brandon,

I woke up with your girlfriend in my bed, don’t remember anything, but there was a bottle of whip cream and a jar of pickles on the floor. Clothes were partially on. I think I should be saying srsly sorry…. but I just can’t be sure.

- your roommate

Dear Boyfriend,

Sorry that I won’t do some of the crazy sh*t you ask me to do in bed, even on V-day. I’m pretty sure porn has skewed your vision of reality. Oh, and that one thing you keep asking about, it’ll never ever happen.

- girlfriend

Dear Host of That Party Last Year,

So at that party you threw, I lost my virginity to the guy I was with at the time, …in your bed. We weren’t thinking straight and needed somewhere to go, and uh, yeah, there was blood. We freaked out, turned the sheets over, and fled. To this day I have no idea if you ever figured out that was us, or if by some lucky chance, you were about to wash and change your sheets anyways and never saw. I didn’t hear any gossip about it in the following weeks so I assume you just didn’t know it was me. Maybe you did. I don’t know. Srsly sorry. Srsly.

- I hide from you every time I see you at parties now

Dear Krystal,

Sorry but, there’s no such thing as an indian giver when it comes to V-cards.  You just can’t have it back.

- the guy you'll never forget

Dear Halley,

I noticed a slight skid-mark in your boyshorts the morning after we hooked up. Gross. Srsly sorry I saw that.

- your boy

Hey JC,

Sorry I’m about to hook up with your so-called best friend.  I wanted him the whole time you and me were together, and the feeling was mutual.  Now that he avoids you like the little plague that you are, I figure it’s all good.  Screw your bromance, hehe!

- Jen

Dear Vamp (aka Brett),

You told me that you went down on your girlfriend while she was on her period, and I proceeded to tell the whole group. Srsly sorry that now you’ve got a revealingly hilarious nickname …that I coined.

- Rand

Dear Lady friend,

Srsly sorry that you didn’t shave today.  We were dry humping and above your vag felt like extra grainy sand-paper, and now my D looks like it was in a luge accident.

- your man friend