Dear Random Girl that was clearly looking for some action,
You tractor-beamed in on me at the end of the night, and it was clear as to what you wanted. Srsly Sorry that I got your hopes up when I took you home, came inside, and got naked, but then nothing happened. I couldn’t help that I was struck by whiskey-d*ck, but I think it might have saved me from an STD or worse. So, thank you whiskey-d*ck!
- Effed Either Way
Dear more than an eff-buddy,
Srsly sorry I didn’t come back when I said I would the other night. I like having sex with you, you like having sex with me, and things have never been easier than they are when we’re alone together, but the thing is that you’re seriously bad for me. You’ve unintentionally effed me over emotionally more than you’ve effed me in general, and that means we’re doing this eff-buddy thing wrong.
- Cody and Kevin
Sorry that we, your more sober friends that night, didn’t warn you not to hook up with that nasty girl. She was a “dick-hunter” and you were drunk as shit. Srsly though, we feel bad about not stopping you now that you have the herp.
- Guy without a bed frame
Dear Stuck-Up B*tch (you know who you are),
Sorry that you walked out on me just because I don’t have a bed frame for my bed. Srsly, you came all the way over to f$#@, just to walk out because of that! C’mon.
Sorry I hooked up with your twin sister, on your bed. She was like a hot female version of you, I couldn’t help myself.
- Girl at the Club
Dear Hot kid at the Club,
Seriously, sorry I let you finger me at the club, even though it was amazing. You got nothing back, even though I told you I would return the favor. Srsly sorry you trusted me with that responsibility. you should learn not to trust girls like that, including me.
Srsly sorry that I didn’t tell you I was on my period and you went down on me. I got caught up in the moment, but I think you over reacted. It’s just a little white string.
- your roommate
I woke up with your girlfriend in my bed, don’t remember anything, but there was a bottle of whip cream and a jar of pickles on the floor. Clothes were partially on. I think I should be saying srsly sorry…. but I just can’t be sure.
Sorry that I won’t do some of the crazy sh*t you ask me to do in bed, even on V-day. I’m pretty sure porn has skewed your vision of reality. Oh, and that one thing you keep asking about, it’ll never ever happen.
- I hide from you every time I see you at parties now
Dear Host of That Party Last Year,
So at that party you threw, I lost my virginity to the guy I was with at the time, …in your bed. We weren’t thinking straight and needed somewhere to go, and uh, yeah, there was blood. We freaked out, turned the sheets over, and fled. To this day I have no idea if you ever figured out that was us, or if by some lucky chance, you were about to wash and change your sheets anyways and never saw. I didn’t hear any gossip about it in the following weeks so I assume you just didn’t know it was me. Maybe you did. I don’t know. Srsly sorry. Srsly.
- the guy you'll never forget
Sorry but, there’s no such thing as an indian giver when it comes to V-cards. You just can’t have it back.
- your boy
I noticed a slight skid-mark in your boyshorts the morning after we hooked up. Gross. Srsly sorry I saw that.
Sorry I’m about to hook up with your so-called best friend. I wanted him the whole time you and me were together, and the feeling was mutual. Now that he avoids you like the little plague that you are, I figure it’s all good. Screw your bromance, hehe!
Dear Vamp (aka Brett),
You told me that you went down on your girlfriend while she was on her period, and I proceeded to tell the whole group. Srsly sorry that now you’ve got a revealingly hilarious nickname …that I coined.