Dear M,

Last time we were having sex, I pulled out and accidentally turned one of your teddy bears into a splooge catcher.  Oops, my bad.  Sorry that I crustified your little stuffed buddy.

- R

Dear Girlfriend,

Srsly sorry you heard me refer to you as my ‘slam-piece’. Please get over it soon so I can slam you again.

- my college relationship

Dear Party Bus (Ryan’s bachelor party, 2007),

Srsly sorry for getting woman sex juices all over the back row, and then splooging all over the seat and handle. I met the girl spur of the moment, and we had nowhere else to go but the party bus. You might want to blame the driver for abandoning his post, and leaving the doors open. And sorry to Chase who unknowingly passed out in the splooge seat when we all got back on to drive home!

- Matthew

Jake,

So…you really were not that drunk, but you tried to hook-up with my cousin.  Apparently you had the most massive case of whiskey-dick known to man.  The whole house knew.  We all teased you mercilessly.  And you still thought you’d get another shot.  Not so much.  It probably sucked that a houseful of 20-somethings knew that you couldn’t perform…srsly sorry for…never mind.  You really shouldn’t have had the issue.

- Kate

Dear girls everywhere, and especially Denise K,

Sorry but, I simply cannot date you if you opt to toss my salad within three dates. I didn’t even really want it, but you were so persistent that I let it happen. Srsly though, actually dating a “salad tosser” is out of the question.

- a dude

Dear C,
Sorry I couldn’t stop laughing after you jizzed in your pants. I didn’t realize that actually happened to guys. But since you haven’t spoken to me since, I think I might have hurt your feelings. Srsly sorry.

- D

Dear Kylie,

I’m sorry that you thought that you giving me a handjob in the McDonald’s parking lot meant that us being together was a sealed deal. Actually, it had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong, the HJ was great, but a girl who gives them out in McD’s parking lot is not really girlfriend material.  Srsly sorry.

- satisfied customer #1,000,000

Dear Panties,

Sorry that I let you slip so easily. It’s just more fun that way. Sorry that I have an unfair double-standard to deal with, but why should guys get to have all the fun?

- horny girl

Dear Girl I took on a few dates and hooked up with last semester,

Srsly sorry that I will not be seeing you again, because after the condom broke, you weren’t worried at all, and you told me you would just “take a plan B when you got home, because you had a few left.” Sorry but, I don’t think I want a relationship with a girl who stocks up on plan B.

- erich

Dear Taylor,
Srsly sorry I f%$#ed in your bed when you went away for the weekend. Your roommate let me. We couldn’t go back to either of our dorms so she offered up your bed and we were both too drunk to care. Also, srsly sorry that we didn’t use a condom so…yeah, I don’t feel the need to clarify that one for you. You should know, it was probably the best sex I’ve ever had.  So, thanks. But really, sorry. And I really hoped you washed your sheets.

- horny

Dear R,
Honestly, your breath smelled like straight sh*t, even with all the gum I tried stuffing in your mouth, and it made my vagina dry up just getting in the vicinity of your hot breath, blah!!  So yeah, sorry we didn’t have sex, I just couldn’t overcome breath that smelled like you were eating poo out of my cat’s litter box.

- anonymous

Dear Little White Dog Next Door,

Sorry that my Big Brown Dog got through the fence and took advantage of you. Srsly, that looked painful.

- bad dog

Rob,
Sorry I never told you I have herpes. Hope you didn’t get it.

- anonymous

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for wanting to hookup with me. Sorry that I was so drunk I tripped trying to get my pants off, fell straight on my face, and gave myself a bloody nose. Blood really kills the mood. Waking up with two black eyes was awesome too.

- phil

Dear drunk chick from Boston,

Srsly sorry but, I don’t sleep with girls who are only bi when they’re drunk, and you were getting way too clingy.

- the girl from last night