Dear Girl I hooked up with last weekend,
Just got your bitchy message, and no, I don’t have herpes. I get an occasional pimple downstairs, that’s all. So sorry but, because you’re being a bitch, I’m not gonna call you back so that you can worry about it for a few days.
- Paul H
Dear Doctor Mierez,
Last year you invited me and my gf over for a oxy-codone party, and things got a little crazy. You passed out early on, and then your wife loosened up…. a lot. Sorry that me, my girlfriend, and your wife had a threesome while you were passed out in the other room. Srsly though, she put you to sleep, and when she walked back out, she was naked. Resistance was futile.
Dear Emily L*****,
Sorry that you’re a HO HO HO! …and sorry that you gave me syphilis MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I am sorry Tim for the night that I had sex with my ex, then about an hour later you went down on me. I was just getting you back for how you cheated on me. I hope it tasted good.
- What What
You’ve been knocking at the back door for a while, so when I finally let you in, I kind of thought you’d be able to find it… or, you know, tell the difference. I guess I’m tighter than I thought, because it was dark, we were both drunk, and I totally let you keep banging my lady business instead of correcting your trajectory. Srsly sorry I let you think you were doing me in the butt, but my vag will take the compliment.
Sorry I always fantasized about sleeping with your boyfriend. I kinda let him grope my boobs for an hour till I fell asleep drunk. Big douche move on my part. I didn’t do anything more with him, except tongue him. But that doesn’t count right? Love you :)
Dear my girlfriend’s parents,
Sorry that me and your daughter have sex in your hot tub all the time. Every time I see you two in there, that’s all I can think about. While I’m here, srsly sorry that we’ve hooked up in your shower, your bed, and in your car. Yah, sorry.
Dear a$$hole f%$# buddy,
Our deal was that YOU kept your mouth shut! Technically, you getting angry, blackmailing me, and then telling your friends and bitching to me about your regrets is definitely violating our terms. Sorry that I got payback while you went away on summer vaca, but you were a real d*ck. Srsly sorry but, when you get back you’ll find not a single girl will touch you with a ten foot pole.
Sorry that I killed the mood when I said I wanted to “add mayo to your puffy taco.” I guess my version of sexy talk isn’t as sexy as yours. Srsly sorry.
Dear Kyle, my straight-roommate,
We shared a small studio apt in college, and you knew I was gay. Still, I’m sorry that I secretly drugged you with ambien one night so I could have sex with this cute guy I met. On your bed. Srsly sorry.
- Lucky Jewish Girl
Dear BF from heaven,
You are like the incarnation of every girl’s dreams. I am so lucky! You make me so happy and I do want to return the favour, but I’m sorry, I’m just not into anal like you are. Hey, keep suggesting it and one day I might just say yes. In fact, ask me tonight…
Dear friends in the hot tub,
While you were all enjoying the stars, conversation, bubbles, and hot tub jets, I was getting a secret HJ from Rachel. Don’t worry, I had underwear on under my suit to catch the “outcome”. Kinda weird that no one noticed how quiet I got. Srsly sorry.
- Your sweet student
Dear my college professor,
Sorry for making you believe you were amazing at sex, thanks for the great notes though.
You know how much I love spending time with you, but you also know how much I love spending time with other guys. I f#%^ed Hugh. SRSLY SORRY.