Dear two year old daughter and nine month old son,

I’m srsly sorry that sometimes I just want fifteen minutes by myself to choke down my lunch or smoke a cigarette. I love you but I need time for me too. :)

-

Dear young parents in Alamo Square Park,

Srsly sorry that my dog starting humping your young toddler in the park.  It was the leash free zone, and I wasn’t really paying attention.  Your kid was playing with my dog, apparently my dog thought it was more than friendship.  Hope your child isn’t scarred for life!

- H.L.

Dear Karl,
I’m sorry that when we were in elementary school we used to lure you to the top of the tire playground pyramid and throw you off.  We only meant to break your collar bone. Unfortunately, that one time, we also broke your foot…… and your spirit, and your heart.

- Dan K

Dear Brandon,

We were best friends as kids, so we had a ton of sleep-overs, and I think it’s time I fess up to what happened one of those nights.  Usual boys sleepover consisted of watching a movie then maybe prank calling a girl or two, which we did.  Well, we drank a ton of soda and then went to bed.  I must have woken up in a weird sleep stupor, having to pee really bad, and I went into the bathroom and started peeing.  Somehow I forgot to lift the lid and I pissed all over the place, the wall, the floor, everywhere.  Guess what happens next, there was no TP or paper towels or anything, and being a kid, half-asleep in someone elses house, I didn’t even think to venture to the kitchen to find some.  So, I grabbed the nearest thing which was your bath towel, and cleaned up all the piss, then put the towel back on the rack.  I think I thought no one would notice.  Anyways, I left early the next day, and never mentioned it.  I don’t know what the aftermath was, but I hope you didn’t accidentally use that towel.

- Greg G

Mom,

I am seriously sorry about the booger wall behind my bed.  I stored up at least 8 years worth of boogers, and I don’t think you could cover that up with any amount of paint layers.

- Bradley... your son

Dear Daughter,

You were an accident.  Srsly sorry.

- Mommy and Daddy

Dear Dad,

I am happy that you are back in the dating game after so long, but I just don’t feel comfortable being your wing-man.  It’s just weird hearing you talk about girls half your age as potential ‘hook-ups’ and ‘super-babes’.  Plus, imagining you actually getting lucky creeps me out a bit. Srsly sorry.

- your son, aka, wingman

Sorry Momma,

I’m almost three, but I pissed and shat myself again. Wipe my butt please, and don’t you dare use anything but the moist towelettes!

- your Toddler

Dear Madison,

When we were in middle-school, I only stayed the night at your house because I had a crush on your older brother. One night, I got brave and snuck down to his room, woke him up, and convinced him to make out with me.  So, I am srsly sorry that I used you to get with your bro, but he was a good kisser!

- Madeline

Dear Art Teacher,

I hid a penis in every drawing I turned in to you all of 10th grade!  Srsly sorry.

- christopher

Dear Dad,

Sorry you walked in on me and my gf hooking up in my room.  I know you said that wasn’t allowed ‘under your roof’, but where else were we to go? And on the other hand, you’re welcome for the free show….  I know Mom doesn’t look that good naked anymore.

- your son

Dear Son,

You are a toddler, which means you are cute most of the time, but every time you draw on my sh*t with crayons, or throw up on yourself, or pee your pants, I kind of want to imagine that you are not my son, and that you are a mean midget so that I can punch you in the face.  I never would, because I love you.  Srsly sorry.

- daddy

Dear Christy,
Remember that time in 3rd grade when you invited me to sleep over your house? And how you got yelled at by your mom cuz the thingy you push in on the fridge icemaker had somehow broken off? Well, I was curious, had never seen an icemaker before, and pulled the neato lever to see what would happen. It snapped off… I layed it on the tray and walked away. Srsly sorry I didn’t fess up, and srsly sorry you got your ass reamed for it.

- Jen

Dear little kids who live next door to me,

Srsly sorry, but I think the guy who lives on the other side of you is a pedophile. Srsly, he is the creepiest middle-aged dude I’ve ever seen. He’s never had one visitor, he wears a coon-skin hat in the middle of summer, and I’ve see him looking over your way before. Just saying, little kids, watch your little behinds!

- concerned neighbor

Dear Kari,

Srsly sorry that I convinced you to go skinny dipping with me when we went camping last summer. It was super sexy when you actually agreed, and we started gettin’ at it in the lake, when a boy-scouts troop hiked right through our camp site.  Haha, I don’t know who was more mortified, you or the boy-scout leader, but those scouts got a show they wouldn’t normally get for another few years, lucky boys…

- Cody