Srsly sorry about my serious misuse of your product. I was a young teenager, trying to figure myself out, and I used to stick your markers up my butt. I’m definitely straight now, but that was a weird time for me. Sorry to my sister who I let use the markers later-on. Don’t worry, I cleaned them ;)
- Garrett K
Dear Little Chubby Toddler in the Subway,
Srsly sorry that me and my friends were messing around, playing tag while waiting for the train. Also sorry that your mom let you wander off a little, and I accidentally barreled into you, sending you flying a couple feet, then sliding a few feet more. You seriously looked like a fat little potato sliding on the ground. Sorry little guy!
- your son
Sorry that as a kid I used to stuff my used Big league Chew under the back seat of the car. I just remember you got pissed if we threw anything out the window, and I was afraid to swallow it because I didn’t want it in my guts for 7 years, and Big League Chew looses its flavor after like 3 minutes, so I had to replenish often, and under the seat seemed like the best place to deposit my gummy chew.
- Shaun L
Dear Little Kid at the Elementary School Playground,
Years ago, when I was about 12, I went the playground right by my house to practice my chipping and sand shots. Srsly sorry to the little kid playing with his friends on the other side of the playground. I totally bladed the golf ball, on accident, and sent a screaming line drive right into your back. Thank God your parents weren’t there, or else they might have killed me. Sorry little dude!
- Greg Isnegt
Sorry I smashed your ‘giga-pet’ on the ground in the 4th grade, then stomped all over it. In retrospect, I think I helped you, because those things were really gay.
- a clever first grader
Dear Elementary School,
We found out that the gum ball machine in the library would take the fake plastic coins we were using to learn currency in the first grade. Srsly sorry about all the stolen gum balls!
- older Paul
I was the kid that used to smear his boogers everywhere. Srsly sorry if you ever encountered me or my trail of nose goblins!
Sorry that I spilled grape juice on your penguin beanie baby in the fourth grade and made you cry. Also, sorry that your parents let their son have a beanie baby collection. (the giraffe was pretty sweet though)
- the guys from middle school
Dear Bobby Fabiano,
You’re grandma used to bring you the most delicious chocolates from Spain when we were kids. You gave me a taste, and that was all I needed. Srsly sorry that me and the guys stole all your chocolates, like a whole mini-fridge full, and then denied, denied, denied the act.
- your son
Turns out, the best piece of advice you ever gave me was “always wear your helmet when you go to war.” Srsly sorry that I didn’t listen, I didn’t wear my helmet (aka Condom), and now you’re one of those ‘young’ grandfathers.
- Christopher Peem
When I was 14, I had no idea what “good” liquor was. I just wanted to get drunk with my friends, and that’s exactly what we did. We got whiskey drunk, the best kind! But, I am sorry that I accidentally stole your $500 bottle of Ardmore 30, especially since there was a bottle of Jack Daniels right next to it, my bad.
- Shawn K
Dear Mrs. Courtney, my second grade teacher,
Sorry for playing ‘pocket pool’ in front of you so much that you had to call my parents and tell them I may have a ‘problem’. I didn’t realize that you could see what I was doing through my shorts.
Srsly sorry for being such a weird kid. I’m sure you had your doubts about me, especially after you found my secret collection of G.I. Joe figures dressed up in Barbie doll outfits.
Dear Gary, sleepover in 6th grade,
Sorry that I rallied the gang and peer pressured you into letting us shave shapes into your dog after we saw ‘Biodome’. I remember clearly that you were against it. Honestly, that was hilarious, but sorry that your parents grounded you the next day.
Dear Jar of Ladybugs in Elementary school,
I thought I had a great idea – I picked out a bunch of you guys during recess and put you in a jar with random leaves “to eat” and some twigs to climb. My class adopted you all as our new pet. We didn’t know what we were doing. It must have been a horrible way to go… There were like 20-30 of you guys in there. Srsly Sorry.