- Your new baby girl
Sorry that I destroyed your vagina when you gave birth to me. Srsly sorry, I ravaged that thing. Good thing you love me so much!
- James R
Sorry that when I was a kid, I hid my dead turtle under my bed when he died. He was my pal, and I wanted to keep him. You didn’t find him until the whole house smelled awful, and there was a permanent decaying flesh stain in the carpet. Srsly sorry.
- wishing i was still a kid
You were the best stuffed animal I ever had, and you were way cooler than the wussy “Flounder” in The Little Mermaid. Sorry that I left you behind at the beach on accident one day, and cried all night when I realized I lost you. I figure, just maybe you made it to ocean where you belong. Srsly sorry that you probably got picked apart by seagulls.
Mom and Dad,
I may have lied a little when I said I wasn’t sure what set off the smoke detector or why there was a half-burned stuffed animal hidden in the garage. He had to die. In retrospect I should maybe have tapered off the medication a little more slowly, but hey, I was thirteen.
Sorry that, as a guest at your house, I ate the last of your CTC. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is by far the best cereal ever, and I couldn’t resist. Srsly though, not cool that I finished off your box.
At the infamous sleep over in 6th grade, I’m the one who peed all over the bathroom. I went to use the toilet in the middle of the night, and was so sleepy that I sat down and didn’t lift the lid. Haha, sorry that I pissed all over the place, and then I used your mom’s nice towels to clean up. My bad, sorry I didn’t fess up at the time.
- Brandon Elnam
Dear TILT Arcade,
The third ski-ball machine from the wall, in the back of the arcade had a broken lock. Sorry but, me and my friends spent hours every day after school, our entire 8th grade year , playing with free tokens. Srsly sorry you found out and fixed it.
Dear Chris and Kathy, two Christmases ago,
I didn’t realize the eggnog was of the “adult” variety when I gave your four year old a glass. We thought he was just acting silly, but then he puked up rum and nog vomit all over the couch, and I realized what I had done. Srsly sorry I never fessed up, but, at least he was really entertaining. Drunken children are always funny.
I told you the baby was yours so you would still marry me. i just figured if you knew I got pregnant with some other guy’s kid you might call the engagement off. Srsly Sorry.
- A surprisingly normal adult
Dear Babysitter when I was 6 years old,
Little kids and scissors are a bad combo. I honestly cannot explain my motivation for this, but srsly sorry that I got into your van, and cut 3/4 the way through all the seat belts. You really should’ve kept a better eye on me.
- Jonathan Klein
Sorry that I got a big boner when we were playing connect four. I was like 13, and at that age boners come and go when they please. Srsly sorry that you got the wrong idea, and ran and told on me to your dad. Yeah, that was embarrassing.
- Erika V
Dear Bobby Faber, aka “dork-nugget”,
Sorry that I never danced with you at the middle-school dances, and that I spread rumors to all the other girls so they wouldn’t dance with you either. I said you had super-coodies and that you peed your pants, but I secretly had a crush on you.
Dear Dad, again,
I’ll also be taking most of those drugs you bought throughout the years, stealing a lot more stuff than the normal 9 year old, and I’m going to show your nasty porn stash to your then girlfriend. You shouldn’t have spent the money I got from my grandfather on beer, milk and chips. Life’s a bitch and so is your daughter.
- nathan k
Dear Torty the Turtle,
You were the class pet in fourth grade. I’m really sorry that I took you out of the cage and poured a bunch of salt on you behind the portable. It was a dare and all the “cool kids” were watching me. I guess it didn’t make me that cool when I ran off crying. To this day I regret what I did to you. I’m sorry that we left you out there, and you dried up and died. Srsly, Torty, I miss you. At least I didn’t turn into a serial killer like that other kid in class.
- Normal Public-Schooled Athiest Girl
Dear Awkward Creepy Home-Schooled Mormon Boy,
So, here’s the thing: you’re really creepy and I just don’t like you. Opening my closed door and walking in without knocking while I was taking a nap was bad enough, but when you said, “I’d like to find an adventure in your vagina” to me, that was the end of line, even if you were “just kidding.” Basically, I’m kinda sorry that I’m not sorry for being a bitch and I’m seriously sorry you can’t take a hint.