Sorry about trying to personalize your BMW for you way back when. I was 6 years old, and it turned out a rock engraving into the black paint of your car really pissed you off.
- Nathan Hewitte
Dear cougar in Crested Butte CO, winter ’09,
Our short make out sesh in the hot tub was awesome, and a little weird. I’m not sorry about that, but I am sorry to your 8 year old son who was in the hot tub, watching as we made out. I hope he erased that from his memory, but I doubt it.
My friend had already launched one of your kind way up in the air, only to fall to a certain death, so I tried to save you from him. There was no way to know that as I chased him he would turn around and throw you at me, causing you to bounce off my chest, onto the street, and directly under my foot. Mr. Frog, I’m sorry that I inadvertently squashed you instead of saving your life. I punched my friend in the arm a lot. That was a long time ago. Middle school boys can be a**holes.
About that time I peed on you when we were kids. I had climbed way up in a tree, I had to pee, and you walked underneath at the wrong time. I wondered if I could hit you from that far up. Turns out that I could. Sorry about that.
Newborn child of my friend,
I’m sorry for an entire life of ridicule your soon to receive, and the therapy you’ll probably need because of the name you were given. I simply can’t believe that your parents picked “Creed” for your middle name. Mostly, I’m sorry because I suggested it, as a joke. Not really though.
- Not Your Daughter
Dear Man at the Beach,
Sorry for running up to you and hugging your leg, but with your torquoise swim trunks, and your gray, balding head, I thought you were my dad. Srsly sorry to have freaked you out like that, but I was only 6. I hope my look of pure horror and awkward dash away made up for the surprise. Srsly.
Sorry I threw that block of ice at your face and broke your nose back in 6th grade. But you took my lunchbox and ran away with my gogurt in there. You never touch a man’s gogurt. I guess I’m sorry that I didn’t at least give you some napkins from my lunchbox to clean up the blood.
Sorry about bailing after you got preggers. From what I hear, I’m not the only potential father, thank God. Don’t you dare try to get me on Maury, I ain’t goin!
- James B
Classmates from Virginia Middle School,
Sorry for being so annoying and weird in middle school. Looking back, I wouldn’t had talked to me either.
Dear Little Bro,
Sorry about that time I convinced you, kinda forced you, to eff with the septic tank. I took picking on you too far that time, especially because you were covered in poo by the end of it.
- S & N
Dear Upstairs Neighbors/Friends,
Sorry about last night. And all the other nights you have probably heard us having sex. This is an old building and we have a flimsy bed. We did try to put a pillow behind the headboard to keep from waking your kids. But we happily ignore their pattering little feet and . . . it’s your fault for moving them into the room right above us anyway.
Dear Church Secretary,
Sorry I stole that dollar off your desk. I was a fat kid and wanted some candy. Take comfort in the fact you helped me out! I also asked GOD to forgive me, so I’m covered.
- The Monster-Under-the-Bed
Sorry I scared you. I only hide under your bed because it’s warm & snug. Srsly, I don’t mean to frighten you and I try not to snore, but I can’t really help it due to my nasal congestion. I’m sorry about all your missing socks; it’s just they’re very tasty, especially when they haven’t been washed for a few days. They go quite well with dust bunnies & dried parsley. I try to go to the toilet when you’re asleep, but I know you’ve woken up a couple of times and seen me – soz. Anyway, I quite like it under your bed, so I’ll be here a while. Love and kisses.
- your daughter
Sorry I walked in on you and dad humping, but I thought you were really sick and vomiting or something. 20 years later, I still haven’t heard noises like that again, ever – not even on animal planet.
Dear residents of brown house on Mahogany Street, Albuquerque NM,
Sorry about the unintentional arson attack. We were 13 and dumb, but at the time, I was a God among my friends for lighting that giant bag of poo on fire. Anyways, I lit the bag, and in haste set it way too close to your door, and well, you know the rest. Sorry for scaring you half to death, ruining your front door, and fleeing the scene. Glad you were smart enough to put the fire out before the whole house went up in flames. Thanks Billy Madison for the great idea!