Dear Son,

You are the product of an expired wallet condom, 4 beers, and about 12 shots of vodka.  I met your mother on the twelfth shot.  As you guessed it, my trusty wallet condom broke about 3 hours later when we hooked up.  We didn’t have plan B back then, good thing for you.  You’ll probably never know the truth, sorry.

- anonymous Dad

Dear baby of terribly over-weight couple in Walmart,

I’m sorry you are doomed to a life of Big Macs, obesity, and tears.

- anonymous

To my 9 year old daughter,

I am seriously sorry you found my big purple rabbit dildo. Maybe you’ll stop looking for your birthday presents in my room.

- Mom80

Dear Little Brother,
I am sorry I walked in on you using the vacuum cleaner extension to jerk off.  I’m sorry that it freaked me out so bad that I immediately called Mom to tell her about it.  However, I feel as though we’re kind of even because this memory is burned into my brain, and now I’ve been scarred for life by seeing your erect penis, something I should have NEVER been anywhere near.

- Big Sis


So sorry I kicked you in the balls at the airport before our 8th grade trip to DC.  With my steel-toed Docs.  I had a crush on you at the time, and obviously had no other way of expressing myself.  I guess annihilating your sack wasn’t the way to go.  Oh, and Preston – you too.

- Andrea

Miss Piggy,

Lets be honest, you’re a pudgy face, and I’m a star.  If there’s one rule I stick to, it’s NO FATTIES.  It will never happen, srry.


3rd grade version of Stephanie,

My plan was to swallow your pet goldfish Goldie, and then bring him back up, alive and swimming.  Sorry that the plan failed, and he came out the other end 6 hours later.  You cried, my bad.

- Denny

Sarah P,

Super sorry for forgetting to lock the door at your pool party in 9th grade.  You said I could change in your room, and I really wish you hadn’t walked in to see me naked, tossing your teddy bear up and down.  Things were never the same between us.

- Jimmy

Dear Chris’s confidence,

See you in about 10 years,  I’m moving in.

- Chris's acne

To the kid in the second row, three desks to the right,
I never remembered your name, all year.   You are, simply put, forgettable.  I apologize for branding you to a life of subdued mediocrity.  I’m a shitty teacher, always have been.

- john K

Turns out that condoms DO break, kids ARE expensive, drinking does NOT make parenting easier, and three-month-old twins CAN NOT survive on KFC alone.  Also, I plan on reupholstering your chair soon.  The kids are having trouble keeping down the Double Downs.  Srry I never listened.

- Brock

Sorry I gave your colorblind child a rubiks cube for his birthday.  My bad.

- Dave E

Dear Johnny Dansizer from 6th grade, Rittman OH,

I’m the one who put poop in your pillowcase at that sleep over in 6th grade.  It was my poop.  srsly srry.

- Chris P


I am sorry that I called you a manatee/ sea cow in seventh grade.  You already knew that you were overweight and surely did not need me comparing your relative girth to that of a huge, water-dwelling mammal.  It was fucked up.  Middle school is hard enough without me ruining your life. Hope your self-esteem has recovered.

- Jerry P

To all the kids in the Galaxy theater, Dallas TX, at Finding Nemo in 2003,

While you were enjoying a classic family film, I was getting a BJ in the back row.  Sorta messed up, sorta awesome, sorta sorry.

- Charles K