Dear GF,

Sorry that you thought I was wacking off in bed when actually I just had a wet dream.  No, I was not dreaming of you.  Yes, it is your fault that I had a wet dream in the first place.  You’ve been “too tired” for like three weeks.  Srsly sorry.

- jon

Dear Mom,

Srsly sorry that I used to use my dirty undershirts to masturbate into. I’m sure you picked up on what I was doing, because you did my laundry for me every week, and probably noticed a strange frequency to my crusty white tees.  Thanks for never saying anything.

- Jake L.

Dear Brandon,

I walked in your girlfriend naked, she had just gotten out of the shower.  It was an accident, no big deal, but I’m sorry for continually wacking off while thinking of that sight.  Srsly sorry.

- J

Dear Roomy,

Sorry about that time I brought my GF over to our dorm room, and we walked in on you masturbating.  Or maybe you should be the one who is apologizing, seeing as how all you had to do to save me from that terrible vision was lock the dead bolt…. (sigh and shiver…)

- Jeremy Findel

Dear all my Couchsurfing hosts,
You are an awesome person for letting a total stranger stay in your place and use your things while they travel the world. Seriously I mean that. Unfortunately, while I may seem totally normal and harmless (mostly true), I am that guy who has an uncontrollable urge to masturbate wherever I am. So, to all the hosts I’ve had, srsly sorry for masturbating in your sinks, toilets, or showers…I do my best to clean up, but still…

- Anonymous

Dear Mom and Dad,

Seriously sorry that I thought you couldn’t hear me when I was jacking off as a kid.  After being in the dorms, and hearing everything next door, I have a feeling you guys heard everything.  Actually, you are both partly to blame for buying a house that shared the bedroom walls with your adolescent teen.

- your horny son

Dearest Father,
I was having phone sex with my bf who was out of town and he convinced me to finally do the whole cucumber thing.I didnt know what to do with it so I washed it and put it back since you hate it when we waste food. Im sorry that you ate it for lunch the next day…I can never eat another cucumber for as long as I live.

- Horny Daughter

Dear College Library,

Sorry that I had a weird fascination with masturbating in public places my freshmen year, and you were my favorite spot. I used you for your semi-clean bathroom stalls, I fess up!

- anonymous

Dear Krystal,

You called me from Newfoundland the other night. You were in need of hearing a friends voice. I had been drinking and it was late. I told you I was joking when you asked what I was doing..but really, I was watching a porn. So as you talked to me with your sweet voice I was jerking off. Hence why I may have seemed distant…… Sorry.

- Gordon

Dear Crayola,

Srsly sorry about my serious misuse of your product. I was a young teenager, trying to figure myself out, and I used to stick your markers up my butt. I’m definitely straight now, but that was a weird time for me. Sorry to my sister who I let use the markers later-on.  Don’t worry, I cleaned them ;)

- anonymous


Sorry I masturbated with you in the room and awake… sitting above me on our bunk bed. Srysly sorry, but watching tv just gets me horny sometimes, I can’t help myself!

- anonymous

Dear Little 4 Year Old Boy of Mine,

I am srsly sorry that I caught you playing with my big, silver vibrator which you obviously found in my nightstand drawer. Not sure how managed to turn it on, but I’m sure the vibrations were half the fun. Sorry that I can’t wait to tell this story to your first girlfriend.

- momma

Dear Jason,

We were roommates, I didn’t have a computer, you did. Srsly sorry that on nights when we got wasted, I would sneak into you room to watch porn and masturbate while you were passed out on the bed right next to your desk. I was drunk and horny, you never woke up, thank god, cuz that would have been really awkward.

- anonymous


Sorry about that time I secretly filmed you masturbating, then put it on youtube. Youtube took it down fairly quickly, but not before we posted it on facebook, hahaha…. To be clear, I’m not the one who posted the link on your Mom’s wall.

- Your Pal/Roommate Jonathan

Srsly Sorry Penis, I’ve abused you for far too long. I’ve been rubbing you raw, and I never use hand lotion. Wish I could say I will be giving you a nice, warm, moist place to hang out in soon, but it’s just not that easy. Srsly sorry.

- anonyman