Because of me, a lot of you don’t have a soul… My bad
Dear homeless poeple,
Srsly, it is a terrible thing that you are homeless, but I might be homeless too if I gave money to every single person that asked me for money. Please stop looking at me like I am a terrible person for not giving you the money I work hard for.
- a young American
Dear American Economy,
Srsly sorry that even if every American paid 100% of their income as taxes, we would still be in debt up to our eyeballs. We’re srsly f%$#ed.
- moving soon
Srsly sorry that the Nike campus is the only reason your entire city hasn’t sunk underneath the incredible weight of all your hipsters. Srsly, do any of them have jobs, or do they just live in the trees?
Dear Pita Pit Employee,
Sorry but I totally faked putting a tip in the tip jar. I put my hand in and pretended to drop a tip, because you were looking at me funny, and for some reason I felt bad about not tipping. Srsly sorry but, you work in fast food, tips are optional.
- Better than you Banker
Dear 90% of Americans,
Sorry that we make $500,000 bonuses and you get $10 gift cards to Applebee’s from your bosses. Guess what, maybe you should work at a hedge fund, like me. Its easy to make a crap-ton of money when you can just create it yourself, srsly, out of thin air, instead of actually producing any products or coming up with any ideas. Man my life is sweet.
- now who's stupid
Sorry for posting on craigs list with your phone number in a fake ad saying you found $5000 in a backpack. I’m sure the 100 people who called you claiming it as their own, and the police visit checking if it was drug money, was kind of annoying.
- Miss E
Dear Arts and Sciences Students,
Yes, I am an Education major. No, that does not mean I color in coloring books for homework or babysit children during classes.. I am srsly sorry that I only have 3 classes a week and 4 day weekends every weekend. I am also srsly srry that you work “so hard” doing your assignments for your “difficult” classes, and that you have 5 finals, when I don’t have any! Also, while I’m at it, srsly sorry that I will likely have a career 8 years before you will (because a you’ll need more than just a bachelor’s degree to get a job). Oh yeah! I’m also srsly sorry that I’ll have a way happier and more interesting life than you will, including paid summers! After you give up on your 8 years of school, you’re probably just going to settle for a low-wage cubicle job anyways. Come to think of it. I don’t think I’m that sorry…
- employed person
Dear Homeless People,
Sorry that I lie every time you ask, but let’s be honest, I always have change. Sometimes I even have a dollar, or two, or five.
- rookie employee
Dear store that I work at,
Sorry that I accepted that credit card from that man that obviously wasn’t his. There was a woman’s name on it for christs sake. My shift was almost over, the lines were ridiculous and I was ready to go. Serves you right for calling me in on my off day. Srsly Sorry, and srsly sorry to the mystery lady too.
- BANKERS of america
Dear Young People in America,
Sorry bout all this worrisome financial stuff, but you all like to work, right? I mean, like, when you get old? Oh, phew, I thought you’d be mad about the fact that the nations financial future is f*^#ed, and you all had nothing to do with it. I mean, social security is lame anyways! You’d have to be poor to want that!
Dear my bank account,
I’m seriously sorry for pulling out all the money that was in you during a drunken night in Vegas…..was it worth it?…..probably…..but I’ll try not to let it happen again.
About that time that our bank account got “hacked.” That day I was using a public computer in the university commons, and I am pretty sure I got up and left without closing our online account. I never told because I felt dumb, sorry about that few thousand dollars. At least we got some of it back.