- anonymous music lover
Sorry but I just discovered Spotify. You were cool, for like, a day.
- Johnny J
Seriously sorry that you died. I miss you.
- twin lover
Srsly sorry that I made out with your twin brother Matt, the weekend after I made out with you. The thing is, he’s just as hot as you, but he happens to play the violin, but not the nerdy violin, the cool “i’m in a folk band” violin. Yeah, srsly sorry. What can I say, violins get me hot.
- your friends
Super sorry we left you 30 phone messages last night, all to the tune of singing Tubthumper. Not sure why that song was even in play.
- random concert goer
I’m sorry that nobody at concert knew the words and was willing to sing along to ’99 Problems’, but you were performing at a f*&^ing U2 concert in Perth, WA. What did you expect? Besides, we generally don’t refer to women as ‘bitches’ around here.
I met you through a friend and thought you were cute. You asked me to come watch your show, and of course I went… Honestly, you suck. Usually musicians are super sexy, no matter what they look like, but srsly sorry that you became less attractive after I heard you sing. That BJ I was planning to give you is now out of the question.
- MTV - remember when we used to play music? that was lame.
Dear MTV Fans,
Sorry for airing shows that glorify stupidity, drunkenness, slutty women, and wannabe celebrities. But mostly I’m sorry for airing the Real World spinoff, The Jersey Shore. Tune in thursday at ten for your weekly dose of greasy stupidity… srsly sorry.
Last month, you brought an audio CD to a white elephant exchange during the football team party. In case you forgot, we work at the school for the deaf. Secondly, it was a Nickelback CD. Sometimes I am sorry we are friends.
Dear George, Ringo, and Paul,
Sorry I broke up the group. But, hey, it’s not like you guys were popular or anything anyway. Plus, you can always have a reunion tour…oh, wait. Oops…… Sorry. Peace be with you anyway.
Dear college roommate,
Sorry my ringtone was the polyphonic version on Fallout Boy’s “Sugar We’re Going Down” for an entire year. That must have f*cking sucked.
Dear earth, Sorry I exist.
Affectionately Yours, Ke$ha
I secretly made an audio recording of your orgasm, then ‘auto-tuned’ it, and I have been using it as my ring tone for the last two weeks. It’s awesome.