- Love, Dad
Srsly sorry for the life of privilege I have given you (private school, Louis, travel, new car, etc etc.) in a foolish attempt to give you the material things I never had as a child. The end result is you have turned into a mean-spirited narcissistic bitch. Sorry you hate your mom and me for all the shit we do for you. I’ll try my best to stop buying and doing things for you. Srsly sorry.
- Your Parents
You walked in me and your dad getting it on, reverse cowgirl style, in the middle of the afternoon. I can only hope you are young enough still where you won’t remember this some day, but I have a feeling that vision may scar you forever. Srsly sorry.
- your son, aka, wingman
I am happy that you are back in the dating game after so long, but I just don’t feel comfortable being your wing-man. It’s just weird hearing you talk about girls half your age as potential ‘hook-ups’ and ‘super-babes’. Plus, imagining you actually getting lucky creeps me out a bit. Srsly sorry.
- your Toddler
I’m almost three, but I pissed and shat myself again. Wipe my butt please, and don’t you dare use anything but the moist towelettes!
Dear Rebecca, my fiance,
I am seriously sorry that I have fantasized about your mom when we have sex. To all the men reading this, if you can’t fantasize about your wife’s mom, you’re in trouble. That’s what she’s gonna look like some day.
- Horny Daughter
I was having phone sex with my bf who was out of town and he convinced me to finally do the whole cucumber thing.I didnt know what to do with it so I washed it and put it back since you hate it when we waste food. Im sorry that you ate it for lunch the next day…I can never eat another cucumber for as long as I live.
You are a toddler, which means you are cute most of the time, but every time you draw on my sh*t with crayons, or throw up on yourself, or pee your pants, I kind of want to imagine that you are not my son, and that you are a mean midget so that I can punch you in the face. I never would, because I love you. Srsly sorry.
- your son
Srsly sorry, I know you want to be soooo bad, but you simply are not one of those “cool dads.” It’s not your fault, it’s the socks with chacos.
The first time I ever had sex was in the back-seat of your car at 16 years old. Srsly sorry, but thanks for trusting me with the keys!
- your son
Sorry that as a kid I used to stuff my used Big league Chew under the back seat of the car. I just remember you got pissed if we threw anything out the window, and I was afraid to swallow it because I didn’t want it in my guts for 7 years, and Big League Chew looses its flavor after like 3 minutes, so I had to replenish often, and under the seat seemed like the best place to deposit my gummy chew.
Srsly sorry I vomited all over you and the policeman at that high school party. But I was super super sh/tfaced. And the fact that you called the cops on me upset my tummy at the time. Srsly sorry you sucked as parents.
- your son
Turns out, the best piece of advice you ever gave me was “always wear your helmet when you go to war.” Srsly sorry that I didn’t listen, I didn’t wear my helmet (aka Condom), and now you’re one of those ‘young’ grandfathers.
Dear Mom and the dog,
I’m srsly sorry that you both somehow teamed up to scar me forever. I saw that the dog was chewing on something other than its toy, so I went to pull whatever it was from the dog’s mouth. Welp, you guessed it, the dog had somehow got hold of one of your USED tampons, and that used tampon found its way into my hand… Scarred for life.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Srsly sorry that I used to get high on the roof before you got home. Bet you didn’t know that the first time I got high was because I found your secret stash.