We had been dating for about 6 months when I finally met your mom. She is a laaaaaaarge woman. Sorry that I broke the relationship off a few weeks later, but seeing your mom was like seeing a mirror image of you in 30 years.
- your son
Srsly sorry that I got caught masturbating in the school bathroom when I was in high school. That must have been a weird call for to get from the principal.
I was like half way through my racist joke when I realized it was a bad idea to say at the dinner table with your parents. Sorry about that, but the awkward silence after was epic.
Dear baby in the parking lot,
I’m sorry you were caught in the middle of your pathetic “parents’” dramatic screaming match/fight over you tonight. I almost called the police, but what good would it have done? Some people should be banned from breeding. I hope you are safe, baby, and I’m sorry you were born to such f$#%ed up, pathetic excuses for human beings, into an obviously f%$#ed up situation.
- Chris Kelly
Dear Mom, Christmas when I was 8,
Sorry I cried my eyes out, all day, when you got me the ‘Crossfire’ game for Christmas. I wanted a playstation. Now that I’m older, I realize that you worked really hard just to afford that game for me. Sorry I was such a prick.
Your cat “murphy” didn’t actually go to live on a farm. I ran him over, on accident. While I’m here, your dog “Chase” isn’t at the farm either. He had cancer.
Dear my girlfriend’s parents,
Sorry that me and your daughter have sex in your hot tub all the time. Every time I see you two in there, that’s all I can think about. While I’m here, srsly sorry that we’ve hooked up in your shower, your bed, and in your car. Yah, sorry.
- your son steven
Sorry I let my friends steal a pair of your underwear when I was 15. You were always the hot mom, and I got overtaken by peer pressure. I regretted immediately, and by the next day at lunch, everyone in school had heard about it or seen them. Srsly Sorry, to you and to my adolescent pride.
- Jonathan Klein
Sorry that I got a big boner when we were playing connect four. I was like 13, and at that age boners come and go when they please. Srsly sorry that you got the wrong idea, and ran and told on me to your dad. Yeah, that was embarrassing.
When I get chosen by the Elite Squadron of Time Travel and they send me back in time to live my life again, there is a number of things I will be doing. Among them is going to be taking for myself that bank bag full of money you found in the middle of the street outside our house. I simply need the money more than you and lets be honest, besides the new car most of it was spent on drugs…
- your son
Sorry for drunk making-out with your best friend at the Thanksgiving party, and sorry you had to see it. Your friends are cougars.
You usually don’t get home until late on Wednesdays, which gives me ample time to box my sock puppet. Anyways, I totally forgot your Mom was in town, and I totally forgot you had off of work. Seriously sorry that you AND YOUR MOM walked in on me masturbating. Dinner that night was so awkward.
Sorry about trying to personalize your BMW for you way back when. I was 6 years old, and it turned out a rock engraving into the black paint of your car really pissed you off.
You decided it was OK for you to get yer “Gay” on in my parents bedroom, while they were away in Texas, so I am sorry for pointing an SKS at you and him and telling you to get the f*&^ out of my house. Again sorry for pointing a gun at your head, but think twice before you try to have a guy in someone else’s parents’ bed.
- Ex Mother-in-Law
Dear Ex Son-in-Law,
So sorry about those times when you were living in my house and you pissed me off, that I used your electric mustache trimmer to trim my pubes. Stop being such a jerk and things like that will stop happening to you. Not so Seriously Sorry.