dear mom-
Sorry I walked in on you and dad humping, but I thought you were really sick and vomiting or something.  20 years later, I still haven’t heard noises like that again, ever – not even on animal planet.

- your daughter

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Being a poor student, $50 seemed like a fortune at the time, so I had to take the bet.  But yeah, sorry for shaving my eyebrows off before the first giant family wedding in a decade or two.  I mean at least it made a good conversation starter, right? Also, sorry to the substitute teacher who thought I was pissed at her all day after some friends drew angry eyebrows on me.

- Kilfgore Trout

Dear Mom and Dad,

Sorry about giving our family computer about 45 different viruses from the age of 12 to 16.  Don’t blame me,  blame the new and exciting world of free internet porn and masturbation.

- ryan H


Now that you are young adults and semi-responsible, you should know, drugs are awesome.  When I was younger I experimented with almost everything.  LSD, coke, weed, etc.  Ecstasy is amazing.  Sorry for waiting so long to tell you this, but, if you haven’t already,  you should really do some experimenting.

- Mom of 22 years

Dear baby of terribly over-weight couple in Walmart,

I’m sorry you are doomed to a life of Big Macs, obesity, and tears.

- anonymous

Dear Douche Bag Step Son-in-law,

I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet and then soaked it in the dirty fish tank water while you were sleeping/passed out.  Your abusive behavior towards my step daughter and alcoholism/drug addictions needed to be rewarded.  Oh, and the yummy twice baked potatoe I served you that you gobbled right up???  Had cat sh*t in it.  Not that sorry.

- Step Mom-in-Law

To my 9 year old daughter,

I am seriously sorry you found my big purple rabbit dildo. Maybe you’ll stop looking for your birthday presents in my room.

- Mom80

Dear Little Brother,
I am sorry I walked in on you using the vacuum cleaner extension to jerk off.  I’m sorry that it freaked me out so bad that I immediately called Mom to tell her about it.  However, I feel as though we’re kind of even because this memory is burned into my brain, and now I’ve been scarred for life by seeing your erect penis, something I should have NEVER been anywhere near.

- Big Sis

The girls of Tri-Delta,

Sorry you found me passed out naked in your chapter room.  Really sorry that it was ‘parents weekend’ and you were giving the big tour.

- anonymous

Dear Melanie,

Sorry I brought up hand-jobs in front of your parents.  It was an innocent slip.

- Sayeed

Turns out that condoms DO break, kids ARE expensive, drinking does NOT make parenting easier, and three-month-old twins CAN NOT survive on KFC alone.  Also, I plan on reupholstering your chair soon.  The kids are having trouble keeping down the Double Downs.  Srry I never listened.

- Brock

Dear Mom,

I‘m sorry I texted you that I wanted to “do you in the a** like I did last weekend at Johnny B’s party.”  I promise to never date anyone with the same name as you ever again.

- Brandon M


I am sorry.  You are a horribly dressed old man and I can’t help but be embarrassed to be seen with you.  It’s the cargo shorts/tube socks… not you.

- Paul Hummes