- I blame the anemia...
Sorry but yes, that monster in the loo is mine. Sorry especially to my older brother for pinning it on you, but seriously, no one would believe a girl is capable of something so massive. Also sorry to my butt, you’re such a trooper for getting through that!
- anonymous in San Francisco
Dear Homeless Man on 4th and Folsom,
I swear to God you get a kick out of shitting in the middle of the sidewalk. I know the difference between dog poos and human poos, and what I so tragically stepped in the other night, in my favorite boots, was definitely a human shit. It was on your turf, so I blame you homeless man. Srsly sorry that you are homeless, but corner up next time!
- The janky bathroom stall
Dear Bathroom Stall User,
Srsly sorry that my latch does not work, and you have to sit on the toilet seat in fear that someone will bust in on you trying to squeeze out a dump. It is a horrible way to poo. Also sorry that I am all out of TP, and you failed to realize that before starting. Oops.
Srsly sorry that I cannot give you the satisfaction of pooping. It’s been 6 days. Fuck constipation.
Dear Julia H., Highschool, Little Rock 2001,
You threw a huge house party when your parents left town one weekend, so, naturally I was there. Pretty much all of our friends were there and everything was awesome until I got hit with the urge to take the largest dump in my life. So, I snuck back into your parents bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to go in the bathroom after me or walk in on me or whatever, no one wants to take a dump at a big party, but I couldn’t control it. Anyways, I got back there and did what I needed to do. I was finishing up and went to flush… then it happened. The toilet clogged. I was frantically trying to find a plunger or anything to solve the problem… then the poopy water started to back up…OMG I was freaking out. Luckily, it didn’t overflow, but I had abandon the scene. Srsly sorry that you probably discovered it the next day, and the had to deal with the poop clogged toilet I left behind.
SRSLY sorry for not putting down the toilet seat when you had diarrhea last week. You cried while you were stuck in your own feces for two minutes in the bowl. Had I known you would get up at 3 o’clock in the morning to relieve your bowels, I would have double checked.
Srsly sorry that I forced that impossibly large, round, and extremely lumpy poop out of you last night. It started coming out, then just kinda got stuck. It was too late to suck it back in, thus the 10 minutes of gripping the toilet seat and bearing down hard enough to break a sweat and draw some blood. Srsly sorry that today you’ve felt like you’ve been anally probed by a 12 inch penis. Too bad I’m not into that, or I probably wouldn’t be apologizing right now. Srsly sorry for the trauma, I’ll start eating better so it hopefully doesn’t happen again.
I never turn on the fan when I leave the bathroom after taking a poo. I find it hilarious to watch my coworkers cringe when they have to take a dump right after me. Srsly Sorry.
Dear college roommies,
I thought it would be funny to drop an upper decker in the upstairs toilet, and and it was hilarious. What was not that hilarious was that the top half of the toilet couldn’t handle my weight, it cracked, and proceeded to slowly leak sh*t water through the floor and drip from the ceiling onto the living room couch. Whoa. Srsly Sorry. Still hilarious.
Seriously sorry that you are under the misconception that girls don’t poop. You are way too smart to really believe that. I am also sorry that on more than one occasion, I have been pooping while talking to you on the phone, only you didn’t know it. Well, now you do. I hope you will still call me cause you are my best friend. Seriously sorry.
- you now ex-best friend
Dear Best Friend from lower school,
Srsly sorry, but the first time you invited me to your house, I had an upset stomach, and when I went to use your toilet, you didnt have any toilet roll. So.. I kinda rummaged through your laundry basket and used a sock to wipe. That’s kinda sorta the reason I bailed out of your house so early. Srsly sorry.
I literally woke up to find myself taking a sh*t in your shower. Yah, drunk sleep shitting, sounds unbelievable I know. Anyways, I had no other option but to turn on the shower and try to mush it down the drain. But it wasn’t working, and the drain clogged, and the shower started flooding! … After a while I got it, but the smell coming up from the drain probably never left! Haha, srsly sorry that you hooked up with a sleep shitter, sorry I desecrated your bathroom, and sorry about all that racket coming from your bathroom at three in the morning.
The last thing I wanted to do was take a dump at your house. Seriously. So you can imagine how desperate I was when I got hit with the urge that night we were watching a movie. It was only the third time I’d even been over. Now try to imagine my fear when the damn toilet stopped up. Seriously sorry that you don’t keep a plunger in your bathroom, and seriously sorry that I freaking bailed. You’ll never see me again.
- Mr. Brown Town
Sorry you got caught in the cross fire on Mexi-Monday, and sorry for my use of excessive plunger force :(
- your ex-girlfriend
I’m seriously sorry I lied about dropping your toothbrush in the toilet. That’s not what really happened. My gay best friend actually shoved it up his a**hole. Didn’t you notice the brown flecks of poop debris? I guess you shouldn’t have made all those homophobic jokes at his expense over the years, and you really shouldn’t have cheated on me. Oh, and you might want to buy a new toothbrush now. I noticed you still had the poopie one when I moved my stuff out. Have a nice life.